Pay Yo Fare

When my mom was growing up men took care of the household. Actually that’s exactly how my mom describes my grandfather, “he paid the bills and made sure your grandmother had everything she wanted”. My mom is one of six children and my grandfather was a janitor. So paying the bills wasn’t easy. He also made it home every night, cooked and helped with the children. My grandmother worked purely for leisure. My grandfather was a man. I dated a man who worked six jobs, never made it home and expected me to take him on dates. My ex was a boy, dressed in men’s clothing. Something happened between my grandmother’s generation and mine, ours.

Men have become comfortable asking expecting women to take care of them. They want us to cook, clean and bring money home for their use. Somehow they expect us to finance their manhood. And some of us do just that. Countless women rush home to make a meal for a man they are just dating. Offer up some cash if he says he’s a little short. Hell, most of us don’t even cringe if he expects us to pay for the bill. I cringe. Each time it happens, I cringe. The way I see it, it is never a woman’s duty to finance a man’s agenda. If he wants to go to some expensive restaurant, let his ass pay (for both of you). If he wants a home cooked meal every night, he better go grocery shopping. After all, groceries don’t pay for themselves. I did not agree to this courtship so I could practice being: your mom, your banker or your landlord. Don’t expect me to take care of you. Don’t get me wrong it’s perfectly okay to support your man, emotionally. Too many of us are confused about the concept of dating. We somehow forgot we are the prize.

My grandfather knew it, that’s why he worked so diligently to support my grandmother, financially. He understood that men have their own. They come along to enhance a woman’s life, not burden her. So while you’re out there auditioning to be a wife, remember that your suitor is auditioning too. Far too often we get caught up in showing a man that we are worthy. I don’t cook for any man every night. I’ll cook for him on occasion so he knows I can cook. I don’t pay for every date. I’m the woman dammit. That’s not my job. But above everything else, I don’t financially support any man! No matter how fine he is or how lonely I may feel. If any of us are to ever find a man worth taking seriously, we must first know that he takes the business of being a man seriously. If I wanted a boy, I’d date someone’s 18 year old son. He’s agile, sexy and I don’t mind cooking all his meals. Anyone older than that needs to come to the table with something. I’m not asking for you to take care of me, I’m asking you to take care of you. Then maybe we can talk about us.

We Are Not The Same...I Am A Martian

This morning I came across an article about a 6 year old boy whose parents are suing his school district.

Before I begin this post I need you to understand that this is half my blog and I can write what I want. Before you decide to attack me for my opinions I need you to understand that I am quite skilled in the art of malicious attacks and I will win.  I'm glad we got that out of the way.

What is this boy's parents suing the school district for? Because he's living his life as a girl and they won't let him use the little girls' bathroom.  I will not go into whether or not a 6 year old boy should be living his life as transgendered.  I don't even have the time nor energy for that conversation.  I would, however, like to discuss why I think it's wrong for this kid's parents to wage war on this school.  I'd like to mention that the school did offer the little boy the option to use the nurses' and teachers' facilities but his parents declined. They feel that he should be afforded the same opportunities as other little girls his age. That's perfectly fine...except he's not a little girl.

I am totally with the idea that some kids are just born gay. I've grown up with some kids who vogued out of the womb.  What I'm not okay with is the idea that because you suffer an adversity that it means everyone around you must adjust to accommodate your adversity.  This kid's parents have zero consideration for the fact that demanding "equality" for their kid could possibly mean a very unnecessary shake-up for a lot of 6 year olds. I know what you're saying...these kids will have to accept the fact that there are transgendered people living among us.  I totally agree...but not at 6.  It really really bothers me that parents use these very innocent children as martyrs for their own causes.  Do you think this kid wants to be the crusader for all kid trannys?  I doubt it.  He just wants to live and be a happy, accepted kid just like the rest of the stupid little children in the world.  Instead of thrusting your child into an environment where he will suffer why don't you put him where he's loved and accepted?  I know that he'll have to learn to adjust to the resistance at some point...but not at 6.  At 6, these parents should be instilling in this child the idea that he is loved, and beautiful...not different.  The other lessons will definitely come later.  Call me crazy, but I'd be in no hurry to throw my child into the lion's den.  If their kid was deaf would they just send him to public school and demand that the school creates a class for deaf children?  No. They'd send him to a school where there are teachers who specialize in the education of children with hearing issues.  I hate to compare being gay (which we aren't even positive that this kid is) to a disability, but it is what it is.  In the world we live in this is not considered "normal".  That's life. Life isn't fair, life isn't forgiving.

When we (blacks) couldn't go to their schools, join their organizations or shop in their stores, we created our own.  Guess what it did? It worked. It made us happy. It made us comfortable to be able to just sit at a desk and learn without having a book thrown at the back of our head.  Eventually things changed...we integrated.  But having that option made the transition a whole lot better.  Please stop using these kids as pawns to change the world.  Being a martyr should be a choice.

Shopping For A Glass House

It's funny how we see potential as a good thing but ignore it as a negative.  All potential isn't positive. It's weird how we'll stay with someone based on their potential to get a real job, stop being a child and somehow become a productive member of society. However, I don't see many women calling it quits over a man's potential to not be great.  How many women do you know that have cut a man off after noticing that he had the potential to possibly beat her a...? (I gave up cursing for Lent.)

I know a woman who is "dating" an unavailable man. She isn't my friend so I don't feel the need to try to help her, but maybe telling you her story can help you.  This man happens to be on the verge of a break-up.  The break-up gets ugly sometimes and both parties in the relationship are responsible for this.  However, this woman almost ALWAYS has something negative to say about this man's potential ex.  She blames this woman for everything that happens in this relationship.  She's very vocal with her idiotic idea that this man is seeing her, while still involved with another woman, because she is somehow better than his current situation. She sits back and takes great joy in this man being the source of her "competition's" hurt.  She laughs about it and not so quietly waits her turn.  I have even heard her say something about this woman needing to "learn her lesson".  I am so flabbergasted.  Don't ever get so caught up in pointing out other people's lessons that you miss your own.  It's right in front of your face!  Does this woman not see that everything she's supporting this man in doing is most likely going to be her future?  What makes us think that everything we watch a man do to someone else somehow falls out of his system once he decides to stop putting us on a back-burner?  It's funny because we all see your demise light-years before you see it.  The best advice I can give you is to just mind your business.  If you're going to be involved with an involved man you need to know your place.  Their relationship is not of your concern.  Save yourself some embarrassment and keep your opinion on the situation to yourself.  People don't forget about the statements you made once you're the one on the receiving end of the abuse.  No one forgets that you thought it was cute and amusing when it was happening to someone else.  There goes your sympathy.

Nothing is more rewarding than watching a self-righteous relationship meddler change her tune.  I've watched this woman's social networking posts go from all smiles and heart emojis to pure dismay.  I can't say that I feel sorry for her.  I am very observant of how people treat their ex's.  You may think it's unimportant to you at the time, but you will most likely be an ex as well.  That shoe is real tight once it's on your own foot.

Tell em Corinne...

Act Like A Lady, Date Like A Man

Steve Harvey doesn't care about black people. Okay. Maybe he does, but if he cared about black women like he says he does then his book would've been called "Act Like A Lady, DATE Like A Man." Let's face it. Most of his book was probably a crock of BS, but he was right about at least one thing. Women need help learning how to date.

Now who you date is your own responsibility. I really can't help you in that department. What I can tell you is that my dating life is the most fulfilling right now than its ever been. How, you ask? I'm dating like a man. A friend of mine gave me some great advice a few months ago. I thought I was only half-ass listening to it, but turns out I subconsciously adopted some of her ramblings. I'm going to give you a very short list that will almost instantly fix most dating issues you're having right now. Ready? Here it goes:

- Date a LOT of men. You're single. The reason you get so caught up in being rejected when dating is most likely because you're dating one person. You're sitting around waiting for the attention of this one person and he knows it.  Newsflash...the more men you date the happier you'll be. Everyone is fighting for a spot which means more free dinners, more nights out and more gifts. Not to mention the less time you spend with a man the more he seems to want you. Why pretend to not have time for him when you can really be out not having time for him?

-Use somebody. I know this sounds mean, but men do it. They always have that one woman they know they have no intentions on being with but can use her for sex while they're whining and dining the women they really want to be with. Take a cue from them. The reason you'll be desirable to the men you really want is because you won't be sleeping with them. You won't need to because you'll have your fuck dummy. I know it's harsh, but all is fair in love and war.

-Don't let them dwindle. I know it's difficult but you must press on. What usually happens is we may start off with an arsenal of guys then they kind of start to fall off one by one. Usually this is because you start to take more of an interest in one guy. You start to spend more time with him and before you know it, you have a one man team. You can't let that happen. Why? Because you'll never give the other guys a chance. If you follow your feelings you'll just end up with the same type of guy you ended up with in the last three relationships. They were essentially the same guy right?

-Don't rush it! The most important advice I can give you. Women want to rush everything. Don't put time limits on everything. Just because you've been dating for 6 months doesn't mean you have to be exclusive. Let things go where they may. If you are dating enough men then timelines won't even matter to you anymore. You'll be too busy to worry about when you can call him your boyfriend and have to deal with silly shit that wouldn't even exist if you were smart enough to just enjoy being single.

Anyway, that's it. Have fun being a hoe!

Blue Eyed Soul

This summer I was graced with the opportunity to see Allen Stone live at the Virgin Mobile Free Fest.  Let me just say that blue eyed soul is back!  You know we don't hold out here at CocktailOur, so here it is...thank us later.

(P.S...if you have ADHD and don't think you can sit throughout the entire video, just scroll to the 4:00 mark)

Can I Get This In A Size 7?

Women talk a lot. At the first sign of relational conflict we're usually airing our man's dirty laundry to our good girlfriends. Believe it or not, we're pretty selective about who we bestow this honor upon. I can almost guarantee the group includes at least: one highly respected friend, one chronically single friend, one hot head & one hoe. That's right I said it; one hoe. Your hoe friend is usually quick to remind you that there are more fish in the sea with bigger wallets and longer fins. Sometimes a girl needs to hear that sort of thing. Still, as much as we enjoy a good girl chat, there is nothing more coveted than the male opinion. The attraction is primarily based on the theory of penis relativity. Loosely translated, it's the idea that it takes one to know one. So when things get too complicated and our girlfriends aren't skilled in "maneese", we turn to our token male friend, a male based blog, or  Facebook posts from men we kind of know. After all, these men know everything. . .or do they? 

On any given day I read at least 30 status updates from men, but one seems to dominate the conversation. In the spirit of anonymity let's call him ” The Shoe King”. Although single, The Shoe King knows everything about relationships and he's not afraid to put you sad, single ladies on.  Here's a chapter from the book of Shoe:

"Ladies, if u give random fellatio and shut the hell up while the game is on you will age gracefully. Don't ruin ya face with plastic surgery."

"Friday nights are chill, Saturday night is when u get sex tape drunk."

"What makes you special, because a lot of shit I hear women claim as unique is ordinary. Having a job, going to school, riding dick good—that shit is as common as being blonde in Norway. It’s commendable that you’re doing things to better your life, but men expect that shit, it’s not game changing." (Cocktail note: most of the men who post these things don't have jobs, cars or degrees. That ish is as common as being a black man with a hypocritical opinion, but I digress.)

"A chick like Rihanna who may look average without the glam, is much more impressive because her personality and swagger is unique. She’s weird, she’s aggressive, she’s so fucking interesting that she tattoos the brain of every nigga she deals with and has them acting crazy." (Cocktail translation: Ladies be like Rihanna. Who is essentially a replica of Fefe Dobson. New translation: be like Rihanna Dobson.)

"Be yourself, everybody else is taken." (Cocktail confusion: Wth! You just told me to be like Rihanna.)

"In order to qualify as beautiful you have to be mixed. You regular black jawns don't stand a chance."

Fin.

There you have it ladies. Simple steps to get a man, keep him & hate your black skin while doing it.

I hate men.  

We're Not So Different

It really bothers me to hear “men” say that they’ll cheat on their girlfriend but not their wife. It’s actually funny that a guy would think that he’ll mysteriously stop fucking around on a woman once she becomes his wife. NEWSFLASH stupid ass…it doesn't work that way! If she’s not good enough for you to be faithful to pre-marriage, she won’t be after you've spent $20,000 to say “I do”.

Let me let you in on a little secret. I’m really not supposed to be sharing this, and I could be at risk of losing my woman card. I trust you though…so here it is.  Women want to fuck other men when we’re in a relationship too!  There! I said it!  You’re not the only one with the urge to step out…but you’re the only one who attempts to justify it.  If we can find the willpower to stay faithful, then what makes you think you’re so different?  Don’t give me that shit about men being different.  You’re not different.  You have a penis and I have a vagina…but they both need stimulation. They both like it in different ways…with different people. Having a vagina doesn’t make you immune to sexual attraction and desires.

Why don’t you silly boys stop leaning on the idea that men can’t control their sexual urges and actually try controlling your sexual urges?

Just curious…how would you boys feel if your woman came to you and said that she wanted to fuck other men?  My how the tables would turn! Would you be just as understanding towards her when she says that she wants to cheat on you while you’re in a committed relationship so that she won’t cheat on you when you’re married?  Who am I kidding?  We all know that the relationship would be over before the conversation ended…because “men” are hypocrites. You want these women out here cooking, cleaning and playing house with you…but you want to cheat under the technicality that you aren't married. You cant have it both ways. If you were a real man, you would let women know in advance that you have no intentions on being faithful. Be up front and let them make the decision…because if you’re out there doing you then they should be doing 
the same.

Don’t dish it if you can’t take it. 

A Hungry Wolf Will Hunt

This morning I was thinking about a conversation I had with an ex-friend's girlfriend.  At the time my friend had a roommate.  They were having money issues and my friend was picking up the roommate's slack.  Among the plethora of problems the pair had, the very petty issue of toilet paper kept arising. My friend felt like he was pretty much broke, and on top of having to pay most of the bills he was stuck with the issue of buying toilet paper because the roommate refused to do so.  He did it, however, because his girlfriend spent a lot of time there and he had to make sure that she had tissue to wipe her snotty little ass.

One day I was talking to the girlfriend about relationship issues and she made the comment that she knew her boyfriend was broke and that she could have $1000 in her pocket compared to his $10 but would still demand that he buys toilet paper instead of just picking some up for him on her way over.  She went on to say something about him knowing his role and what his job is...which was to provide for her.  Throughout the entire conversation all I could think of was how much of a selfish bitch she was.  I couldn't imagine how a woman would be so petty as to purposely not help someone in need just for the sake of establishing roles.

Fast forward three years and I totally get it now.  I want to pretend that she hadn't said that and for the sake of this blog that she did the total opposite.  Instead of making her boyfriend spend his last $10 on toilet paper, she decided to just pick up a 12 roll on her way over...no big deal.  Then they move in together and she continues to be the one responsible for toilet paper. Then, let's say that her responsibilities expand to other bills and household items.  This becomes a pattern and over the course of a few years these things become her unspoken responsibility.  Eventually the two decide to split ways and in the process of her moving out she notices that everything he never did but should've, like buy toilet paper, he's now doing for himself.  She's furious because she feels like "Hey...you never bought those things when we were together...I could've used a break from buying the Charmin...".  The sad fact of the matter is...he never had to because you never made him.

The moral of the story...I think...is that letting a man be a man doesn't always apply to what he's doing for you.  It's not always about letting him fix things or carry something for you.  Sometimes you have to let a man do for himself too.  I know we women are nurturing and giving creatures, but we have to make a conscience effort, like my friend's girlfriend, not to always be so helpful.  There are times when helping hurts more than just letting a man go at it for himself.  It ultimately will benefit you in the long-run.

And you don't get off easy guys.  Just because she's willing to give her all to help you doesn't mean that you should let her.  I know it's easy to just take the help, but learn to be a man and just figure it out for yourself.  You'll feel so much better in the long-run. You'll feel like...a man.

Just Like In The Movies...

I've spent the greater part of my twenties attempting to understand male/female interaction. A few years back a dear friend of mine diagnosed me with what he adeptly titled, romantic comedy syndrome. His exact words were, “You know what your problem is? You want everything to be cinematic.” Loosely translated, I wanted weekly flower deliveries to my place of business and big moments heightened by the Best Man soundtrack. I wanted to be the one woman who changed a man’s life.

Why? Because that’s what I thought true love was all about. Every womanizer, player, and self proclaimed ultimate bachelor had all fallen victim to love in the movies. Take the player in Steve Harvey’s, Think like a Man for example. He was about as manacle and vagina driven as they come, but even he changed his tune once Megan Goode’s character worked her magic. I compared all of my relationships to this benchmark and I set my stakes high.

Having spent the past 5 years of my life interacting with men who were unmoved by my awesomeness, I was starting to believe such love didn’t exist . . . until I read the gospel that is Panama Jackson! 

Where's the motivation? Where's the inspiration? He keeps running into quality but nobody that blows his mind. So why should he trip over himself for a woman that's good but not special. In essence, he keeps coming across women that he’s okay losing. Sure his pride would take a hit, but that’s about it. There’s no sense of “loss” if he doesn't win her heart. And it makes sense. Until he meets “her.”

Who is she? She’s the woman in every romantic comedy who turns a man’s life upside down. We’re all familiar with her because our handsome protagonist is always willing to do whatever it takes to get her attention. He fumbles his speech. He trips walking down stairs. His cool is taken off because she heats him like a furnace. And she absolutely exists in real life. And that’s who all of us men are looking for. Truthfully, we all want to be in love too. Love seems great. But just like women, we’re looking to be captivated too. -Panama Jackson (www.verysmartbrothas.com)

In one article Panama Jackson had managed to slay my pride and open my eyes, simultaneously. Looking back, I possessed all the ingredients necessary to make a man crumble just like in the movies. I’m fun, full of life, accommodating, adventurous, set high standards for my suitors, and I’m sickeningly nurturing. But none and I do mean NONE of that ever seemed to matter. The more I tried to solidify my position as the game changer, I remained the gamed. Permanently marked as a place holder, trophy or toy.

Why is that? Why couldn’t my presence affect these men? I am absolutely quality, but my prey was always below average. Clowns as my male friend calls them, but that’s another article entirely. Don’t get me wrong, I cared for each of these men. They all had something that I craved, unavailability. And isn’t that the challenge every game changer is looking for? If we tried our charms on an available guy, a man who was able to commit and provide; we wouldn't be changing the game. Would we? And let’s face it, the only thing most women like move in ready is our homes. We prefer renovating our men. Sad but true. But just like in real estate the only thing you end up with is a money pit. An emotional and monetary liability that doesn’t become beneficial until you place it back on the market. Ever been through the renovation process? It can be one of the most stressful times of your life. The moment you start peeling back those layers, you find yourself wishing you would have never started. You slowly begin to realize you’re not changing the game, you’re settling.

Well what about “her”? You ask. In my experience the game changer is usually a bitch (see what I did there? I took the entire derogatory context out of the word, well kind of). She’s the unavailable, unaccommodating, I don’t need you, and you’re just another notch on my belt, alpha female. She’s the girl that you hear about and think I can’t believe he’s with her! But even that doesn’t last.

So what can women do to live the cinematic life? Hell if I know. Right now, I’m focusing on putting my renovated men back on the market. Real estate just isn’t for me.

Blacks Only

I just read Ann Coulter's "Our blacks are so much better than their blacks" and "Our blacks are so much more impressive" comments and was actually disgusted.  Not because she's an idiot, but because she, and many others, honestly don't know that she's an idiot.  They actually believe her foolish ideas and adopt them.  She's an idiot with power.  Not many things are more dangerous than that.

The thing that inspired me to write this post, however, is what Pat Buchanan said in his book about Blacks in the segregation era.


“Back then, black and white lived apart, went to different schools and churches, played on different playgrounds, and went to different restaurants, bars, theaters, and soda fountains. But we shared a country and a culture. We were one nation. We were Americans.”

I don't know why, but this slid a thought into my head.  Would blacks be better off if we had remained segregated from whites?  I think about the quick decline of our race and wonder how much of it has to do with our adoption of the white culture's views and practices.  To some people I might be talking out of my ass, but that doesn't stop Ann Coulter or Pat Buchanan so hear me out.  I am not totally blaming whites for the decline of blacks, but let's face it...they can at least be charged with accessory.  

I think of the many other races that have, in some way, remained segregated from the rest of the races and I notice that they tend to be the most successful groups.  Native Americans and Jews.  I do understand that the difference between the Black race and those I mentioned is that they had the choice to segregate and we didn't.  They didn't have to fight for education and rights like we did, although we were here longer than them.  For that, we were at a disadvantage.  However, think of how much they've managed to keep by segregating; the things that ultimately make them so successful.  They live in their own communities, buy within those communities and pass down their history and heritage.  They have their own schools and educate their own children.  This allows them to teach the values and customs that their races have passed down for generations.  This ensures that their race will remember where they came from and not lose who they are.  Yes, I'm aware that we lost our African history when we were stolen and brought here, but that doesn't mean we can't teach the little that we know.  After slavery we still had enough family value, pride and respect to teach our children.  We still had enough knowledge of the struggle to be taught to as a reminder and not as an excuse.

I wonder what we would be like if we had remained segregated.  We would have our own schools, be forced to support one another, buy black and keep our race thriving; just like the Jews and the Native Americans.  The more we're integrated into white culture, the worse we get.  Yes, they still would've flooded our communities with crack, but I like to think that we would've been better equipped to fight the temptation because we would've been a stronger people by that point.  They would have no one to blame the decline of America on but themselves.  The true culprit of destruction would've been clear for all to see.  Sadly, it's probably too late to fix the problem.  The mindset of some of our people are too diseased and distorted to salvage.

I don't want anyone to think of this as a racist rant.  I just have no sense of political correctness.  Can't we be real and see things for what they truly are?  I'm all for people voicing their opinions.  I'm usually not offended by racism, sexism or any of the other isms.  Ism's aren't the things that should bother us.  Injustices should.  I respect people who openly declare their prejudices.  Why cower and hide it?  If you feel a certain way about something, say it loud! ::does James Brown shuffle::  I feel that people should be able to voice their opinions as long as it's in a civil manner.  In my opinion, I'd rather know that my co-worker is an outright racist, than to have to suspect it and not be sure of whether to steer clear of them or not.

Instead of wasting time #Occupying stupid areas of our cities that don't seem to bother anyone, try looking for real ways to improve our conditions.  Have a pow-wow with the Native Americans and the Jews to see how they are fairing.  I'm sure much better than the rest of us.