Wednesday, November 26, 2008

How to Never Get a Guy...But Still Try

Good Day Lovelies!! Time for an introduction. . . It's the 'Serial Dater', E. Hope Forlon.

So where do I begin?? This corner is definitely called "How to Never Get A Guy, but Still Try!" for a reason. I have been known to never be alone for long, but also never quite catch a man! LoL so this will be a guide for you on what NOT to do, and situations to never let yourself get caught in! I'm currently single, and I've had nothing but bad luck with men, but I will never stop dating! I have PLENTY of stories to make you laugh! Of course they weren't funny at the time, but I live to make people chuckle as I relive them. . . Thanksgiving is here so. . . reminisce with me:

Since the holiday is upon us, I'll begin with the week before Thanksgiving two years ago: I finally had myself a man! LoL I knew he was no good, but I figure I'd work with him (Don't we all wanna be that woman who changes a bad boy into a good man?). He had a good job with the army, but selfish as a two year old! I felt more like his mother than his woman at times. Anyway I should've known he was on the crazy side when he told me he loved me after just two weeks of knowing each other! Please people, bear with me, I know I know. . .

Anyway we'd been going STRONG for like 3 months (trust me, that's a long time for me to be in a relationship). . . Thanksgiving was coming up, and I spent my little bit of money (cuz I was still a struggling super senior student in college) to send him home to Kansas (yes Kansas!) to be with his family for the Holiday. Really, I had just gotten tired of him whining about being homesick. So I wanted to go out with him before our long weekend apart, but he wanted to spend that Friday night with his boys. I'm not one to get jealous of the friends so I let him be. I went to the movies by myself, then went to Applebee's and got drunk by myself. I figured it was cool I don't care I had my man who'd definitely take care of my 'needs' when I got in! LoL

So called him when I was leaving the restaurant. Took a couple of tries but I finally got him on the phone: dead silence in the background::

Me: Baby, I'm drunk!

Him: What?? Who you get drunk with??

Me: No one! I'm by myself

Him: That's dangerous, don't ever do that again!

Me: I do what I want! You didn't wanna go out with me, so I went out by myself! I'm grown. (LoL, I'm a sassy drunk)

Him: Whatever Hope

Me: You coming over??

Him: I'm still dropping people off (still dead silence in the background, and usually his music is playing so loud I can barely hear him). . . I'll come by after I take everyone home.

(baby noise in background)

Me: What was that?

Him: What? I didn't hear anything. . . it was probably the radio.

Me: Okay. . . You know how I get when I'm drunk. . . come take care of meee. (LMAO. . . he was my man, I'm allowed to talk like that!)

Him: Be ready for me when I get there.

So I go home and of course I fall asleep and wake up 2 hours later and he still isn't there! Being the good girlfriend I am/was I called him to make sure he hadn't driven off the road somewhere! No answer. Call again in 5 minutes. . . still no answer. So after like half an hour of calling him, I'm worried by this time. So I put on my clothes, get in my car and start driving to his place. Something in me is convinced that things just aren't quite right. . . I call again on my way over there and this time he sends me straight to voicemail (for real?!)! So I'm MAD now! Forget being worried about him, something is up! I call again when I'm pulling up and he answers with some story about he fell asleep and he'll see me tomorrow. Oh NO! Little did he know, he'd be seeing me a lot sooner than the next day. . . but little did I know what was in store for me!

So I pull up in front of his apartment and there's a car parked in his space. . . definitely NOT his! So I park my car and investigate the matter. . . hmmm. . . the car looked kinda girly and had a baby seat in the back! Dudes don't ride around with their baby seats in the car and no baby. . . it's not cool.

Call 'Him' again and he doesn't answer. "What the hell is going on? Yo I'm outside your house right now and if you don't answer your phone I'm gonna kick your eF'ing door in!". . . next thing I know my phone is ringing (ya damn right!).

Me: What the hell is going on, whose car is that in your spot??

Him: Go home, Hope.

Me: Are you serious?? Not until you open the door

Him: I can't right now

Me: What do you mean you can't?!?! Yes you can!!

Him: I can't. . . I promise nothing is going on just go home

Me: NO! Open the eF'ing door! (I'm sooo censoring myself right now, cuz there were not abbreviations that night!) Who is in there with you???

Him: I can't explain it right now.

Me: You better try! (By this time I'm knocking and kicking on the door)

Him: Hope go home!

Me: If you don't come down here, I'm not leaving!

This black man. . . finally comes to the door. And do you know he had the nerve to come to the door in his boxers?? That's it though. No shoes, no socks, no shirt! Just boxers. Of course I'm furious when I see this!

Me: Where are your clothes?!?

Him: I was in bed!

Me: Whose car is that?? Who's in there with you??

Him: Go home.

Me: NO! Let me in!!

Him: No, go home, I promise I'll come over and explain it to you in a little while, just go home.

Me: NO! Explain it to me NOW!

Him: It's someone from my past. She came over and said she needed to talk. I was on my way to your house...

Me: What are you talking about? Where are your clothes?? And why can't you talk during the day?!

Him: She's a young lady that I met when I first came out here. I haven't seen her in a long time. When I got here she was parked outside. She says her baby is mine.

Me: Oh hell no! WHAT?? Where is she??

Him: She's asleep in the couch

Me: Let me in! Where the hell are your clothes??

Him: She fell asleep on the couch so I went to bed.

Of course I'm not an idiot! I don't believe anything he's saying. You mean to tell me, some woman you haven't seen in months is gonna come to your crib with a baby and just fall asleep on your couch?? He tried to tell me she put the baby to sleep and then then she fell asleep and he didn't want to make her go home cuz it was really late and cold. How the heck did she get there in the first place?? Wasn't it cold and really late when she got there?? Since he claimed he was out with his boys that night. . . So both of us are standing out there, it's freezing out there. I know he was cold cuz he didn't have any clothes on. But I refused to leave until he explained to me why he decided to take off all his clothes and go to bed with this woman in his house! Eventually I get fed up of just standing there and decided I was going inside whether he liked it or not! OMG, I have never in my life fought a dude before (it's unladylike and I only weigh 98 lbs on a good day!). . . but we were definitely out there FIGHT-ING! Putting on a show for his neighbors at 2:30 in the morning! I'm still surprised no one called the police on us. He was just adamant about not letting me in. I know that chick was not on the couch! And he was not darn near naked for no reason. It just didn't add up. If there's one thing I hate and cannot tolerate; it's a liar. I wanted to stomp the hell out of his bare toes with my shoes. . . hey I probably did. I don't remember, it's kind of a blur now. But in the end I was the sucker who went home and whoever she was, spent the night. :(

I was too through and thoroughly Pissed Off! Later for him! Just plain disrespectful.

UGGHHH! Crazy men are normal in my life (even though I probably looked like the crazy one in this story!). . . I find that they make for good stories to tell my friends later on! LoL My love life sucks but it's NEVER boring!!

And the search continues . . .

-E. Hope Forlon-


Faviola said...


Bartender said...

Seeing it for the second time is way more entertaining than the first!! Ahh Hope. . .you're a gem!

Karamell Dreamm said...

Hope, I can't wait to read more of your stories!!! Keep them coming!!!! hilarious!!!

Jack Sparrah said...

WOW! That was a pretty nutty scenario! Keep em comin lol

The Vixen said...

Wow!..i would have fought his ass(not really lol), that is soo disrepectful i can't imagine what i would do