Thursday, January 15, 2009

No Sex In The Campaign Room

When Campaigning for a Relationship Can Sex Smear Your Platform?
Three Women, Three Perspectives

Woman 1...
When presented with this question, so many things ran through my mind. Simply attempting to answer this poses so many other questions. So without tarnishing my squeaky clean image that I’m sure you have of me, I will try to answer it.

In my opinion, having sex too early in a relationship may or may not ruin it. I think it solely depends on the parties involved. In the instance where I have had sex early in the relationship it had one effect. It didn’t give me the proper opportunity to determine if the man I was seeing was interested in me simply because of the sex.

I want to believe that having sex early didn’t affect our relationship. It was his inability to tell the truth, keep his pee-pee (yes, it was a pee-pee) in his pants and stay off of blackplanet/ I don't think that the sex in the back of the car on the golf-course after our first date had anything to do with it. But seriously people. If we are non-virgin adults, why can’t we just face the fact that it will happen eventually? SEX WILL HAPPEN AT SOME POINT IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Why does it matter when?

Is it safe for us to assume that if we hold out a little (or a lot) longer, we will realize that he is an asshole much sooner? Or will he just have to hide his true-self that much longer? Either way there will be deception, excuses and someone will always try to tell you that it didn’t work because you put out early. Call it my A(ngry)B(lack)W(oman) rant, but I am kind of on the fence about it.

You may find what I am about to say very odd, but who cares. I strongly believe that WHAT you do in the bedroom and WHY you do it has more effect on your relationship that when you do it. Think about it. Is a man more likely to be hesitant about a serious relationship with you because you put out on the second date or because you let him stick his toe in your ear? I can understand him questioning your position in his life after something like that, but I still think that it’s a little unfair. Sex is sex to some people. You have to know what you want from a partner and vice versa. When I meet a man these days, I let him know up front that I'm looking for a husband. Granted, I hardly ever hear from them again after the first conversation, but at least they know what they would've been getting into if they stayed. I guess if we spent more time getting to know one another we would know these things about our partners. Then, maybe, we wouldn’t have to judge them. Maybe the question should be “has sex become too casual?”

Woman 2...
My New Years Resolutions is "No Sex in 2009" (well less sex in 209, LOL). I find it complicates things when the lines have not yet been drawn in a relationship. You start to date a guy and you really like him, things are going well in your opinion and you’re hoping that the situation will continue to progress, but you don’t want to bring it up to him yet, because it’s too new. You know how you feel, but you’re kind of waiting for him to let you know what’s going on in his head on his own time. Not that you’re trying to jump into a relationship with him, but you like the idea of the possibility later on.

Then one night you feel extra comfortable with him and you make the decision in your mind that you’re ready to take it there. Sex is now introduced into your simple equation. And now it’s not so simple anymore!

Whyyyy does intercourse have to make things so difficult when you really like someone? Everything is fine when you are just getting to know someone, but then you start to have sex (too soon?) and there are these questions that begin to linger, LOOM rather. . . “aw man, I hope he doesn’t think this is all I want”. . . “do we have to do it every time we make plans to see each other now?”. . . “what happened to our dates?” . . . is he dating someone else? “is he having sex with someone else? Should I ask him? If I do, will he get defensive and think I’m trying to knock him over the head and drag him into a cave somewhere to hold him captive for the rest of his adult life??”

Most of the time women won’t ask those questions, because we don’t want him to feel like we’re trying to push him into a relationship. When really all we’re looking for is just a clearer vision of what’s going on, how he feels about how the situation has changed.

My friend said “Sex is a powerful tool, use it wisely” . . . I’m confused about this statement because I don’t feel like I’m wielding any kind of special powers in my vagina! Actually quite the contrary, I feel like sex is working against me. So. . . I don’t want it anymore! Here God. . . You can have my vagina BACK. . . just pass it down when I gotta pee, please and thank you!
Woman 3...
Sex too soon? How about not soon enough? I think sex should be treated like handshakes. It's your introductory statement. Why waste time focusing on a relationship? Those things rarely ever last. . . but lust is eternal. I kid, I kid!! “Sex is a powerful tool, use it wisely” this quote makes complete sense to me. When, courting men and women spend hours before a date primping and pressing. When conversing we’re careful not to reveal past relationships or our secret fantasy involving playgrounds, baby chickens and seaweed. We’re subconsciously inclined to wait until we’ve deemed a person trustworthy before revealing personal aspects of our lives to them. We want to know he or she is worth the emotional investment. Like if they were ever interrogated by the “man” or nosey wo-“man”, our secrets would be safe. We’re protective of our past and ever lenient with our present. Instead of appreciating and cherishing ourselves, we tend to re-gift our love boxes like a bad Christmas tie, readily handing it over to anyone who expresses interest (and a little sex appeal). Why? Perhaps we’re afraid to ruin a good thing. We’re spending time together; he’s finally opening up to me. Just last week we talked about his ex-girlfriend and how he’s so relieved I’m nothing like her. We’re so good together, no one understands him like I do and he’ll never meet a woman more supportive. Eventually he’ll see how amazing I am and sex can only make my platform stronger. I’m campaigning for a relationship here sometimes you have to use the big guns! You know what they say; a little pre-voter’s registration sex never hurt anyone. Or was it “sex never made things any clearer?”

Although I believe there is such a thing as having sex too soon, I’m not sure if that’s enough to dash all hopes of victory. To some sex is just sex. To others, sex is a physical expression of a romantic affection. Affection: a fond attachment, a sentiment, a feeling. Wouldn’t it be nice to know what affect your presence has on a person before embarking upon a sexual voyage? Or the occasional brisk walk? Not knowing where you stand can lead to extreme vulnerability. Am I making the right decisions? Did I move too fast? Are we just friends or is this more? Though it’s never too late to change an unfavorable situation, it certainly isn’t easy.

Don’t be discouraged. There’s always hope. When I was in a relationship with an unfaithful partner, whenever I wanted information he wouldn’t openly divulge I employed a surefire tell all method. After our brisk walks, right before he went to sleep, I would ask him whatever my little cowardly heart could dream up. He was so depleted he never had the energy to evade the question with “manspeak” or bullish rhetoric. This self-proclaimed ladies man (one hit wonder as I liked to call him) was reduced to the truth. Trust me it works! This method not only revealed he was still cheating on me, but also the lie he told both of us to keep the involuntary threesome alive. Apply the same method to your non-relationship or temporary/eternal friendships, if you wish.

Alternatively we could, rather we should, be adults about this whole thing. A very wise, yet promiscuous, unfaithful, low down dirty man once said “A man will tell you everything you need to know, if you listen!”

Ladies I encourage you to listen, really listen. Think about it. It’s less risky than hoping he’ll come around and a far better suggestion than giving your vagina back to Jesus.
Far too often we hear and disregard. Hopeful that we can make a difference or better yet we are the difference. If a man tells us he’s not looking for a relationship right now, he’s just chilling or he’s not sure what he wants, we believe we can change his mind. In the interim we dive into a label-less situation. We calculably become over accommodating, ultra malleable, unrealistically understanding, go with the flow, let the good times roll, no pressure here, shells of ourselves. Powerful, beautiful women too afraid to say what we actually want for fear we’ll lose everything we pretended so hard to get.

We’re lying to ourselves if we pretend to be happy in ambiguity when know we want more. We deserve more. Sure we pretended a bit during the campaign trail, but our platform is built on truth. We are as great as we seem! We’ve just spent so much time people pleasing, we forgot to listen. Listen to words said and unsaid. Listen to our hearts and place value on our love boxes.
The next time he’s all hot and bothered looking at you all dumb with that one eyed-squint and come hither stare tell him “This here, this love box right here ninja, this is an investment. .. Let’s see some collateral.

Review It

Time. . .check.
Honesty . . . check.
Respect . . . check.
Sex. . .maybe.

You can't make an informed decision without information people, so ask or better yet


KeyMaker said...

This is funnyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! Women think so hard about something so easy. Men like sex. If you are a women we like and respect, then we don't pressure you into those decisions.

Women 1
Stop telling guys you are looking for a husband of top. It makes you look desperate. Fool us into it. Most men who have been happily married for years will tell you they never saw themselves getting married. The reason that they did get married was because they couldn't leave without the women. To answer your last question, NO. Sex is not to casual if we take you serious.

You already knew you wanted to have sex with that guy. You can't blame it on one night you felt comfortable!!!!
“aw man, I hope he doesn’t think this is all I want”(your a women of course we know that's not all you want)
. . . “do we have to do it every time we make plans to see each other now?”(make it known)
. . . “what happened to our dates?” (you allowed for this to happen. I always say the first time you see the behavior discipline)
. . . is he dating someone else? “(ask before the sex happens. to late if you asking after)
is he having sex with someone else? (refer to the last answer)
Should I ask him? (of course)
If I do, will he get defensive and think I’m trying to knock him over the head and drag him into a cave somewhere to hold him captive for the rest of his adult life??(NO)

Your asking after sex method doesn't work on every man. If he tells you then he probably didn't care about you. You are 100% right about the listening part. The only problem is women spend alot of time talking and not listening. Prime example Women1,"Tells guys up front she wants a husband".Rule number 1 for me,"Don't tell people to much up front. Allow them to know you as a person before they know your past".Lastly, cut out the pretending. I hate chasing women it is a personal pet peeve.

Woman #1 said...

Look keymaker. Thanks for the advice but I'm still looking for a husband. What's up with you? You single? I have some hot backseat second date sex with your name on it. How about it???

LOL. I kid, I kid.

Faviola said...

LMAO! This is crazy, cuz just knowing ya'll personalities, I know who wrote what. LMAO

WOMAN # 2 said...

Uhm. . . Thank you for your honesty Mr. Key Maker.

Sartorially Savvy said...

I don't really see the big deal... But then again, I'm a man and 9 times out of 10, I fail to see the complexities of most of what women are thinking... But, to me, it's pretty simple. If you want to sleep with someone, then why not? I wouldn't think any less or differently of you. But perhaps, that's just me.

The Tenant said...

I'ma guy. I like sex. and yes, sex complicates everything. Because for most people, sex has an emotional connection. Maybe not with ur current partner, but at one point you had sex with someone who made you "feel" somethin. And when you have sex, you always worry about those feelings arising. And since girls are more emotional than men, it only makes sense that sex would be a bigger issue for a girl than a guy. If a girl has sex with someone that she didn't really want to be with, but somehow he recreates a previous emotion she had with someone she was in love with, for instance, now she starts thinkin "am i in love with this guy, what's goin on here?". With guys it's a litttttle bit more simple...if he's insecure and he has sex with a girl on the first night he's gonna think "damn this was easy, is she always sleepin with guys on the first night?" not a good look. Or you could have the case where you were just a check off his list. Don't let the nice smile fool you, a lot of guys have their "sex goals" and because your name begins with an X, you were the right one for the night (or week, or month). And now I feel I've said too man card may get revoked...good read ladies, keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Woman Three hit it on the nose. It really made be think about my ex that is currently trying to re-enter the picture. But hasn't changed one thing I didn't like the last time I dated him.

But as soon as he showed interest I opened the door and he jumped in the love box. Now don't get me wrong, I probably wanted it more than he did. (He is very good at what he does to me). But in the end I think I will be turning in to that shell woman three mentioned.

I want to keep my vagina! And I want to stay whole, not a mere shell of myself. So he and I will be talking very soon.

The Vixen said...

i totally agree with woman #3...this was a good read