Tuesday, April 28, 2009

What Happens in Your Stall...Stays In Your Stall

...and more bathroom etiquette

Everyone who knows me also knows that I HATE public bathrooms! I will leave work to go home an pee. Most days I just refuse to use a public bathroom. . . I even moved off campus my freshman year out of bathroom frustration! LoL I could go on and on, but the point is; shared fecal facilities and I do NOT get along!

So here are some tips for you people who are unaware of how to conduct yourselves acceptably when you enter into the private and shared domain of the toilet room

1. Don't start a conversation with someone you didn't bring in there with you!
This can lead to misconceptions about the nature of your banter. Haven't we learned anything from these politicians who've gotten arrested in the bathroom for doing exactly that?
I hate bathroom conversation! This is one reasons why I don't use public restrooms. . . always an uncomfortable situation!
I walk into the bathroom at work. The female security guard comes in directly after me. Then she looks in the first stall & says

"Oh my! Ms. Peggy got her some crabs!"
I say: "Excuse me?!"
She: :Ms. Peggy got crabs! From Raphael, you know him?"
Me: "No. . ."
She: "He gave her some crabs"

then I realize...she was talking about lunch! I shake my head and walk out as she finds a stall suitable to pee in. I held it until she left.

2. There are EIGHT stalls in here. . . why are you right next to me?
Lady. . . I don’t want to hear all the baby farts, and grunting noises as you relieve yourself. . . I’m not interested. Thanks. Then I gotta act like I didn’t hear or smell anything when I wash my hands. Come on! Let’s just avoid an uncomfortable situation.

3. Make sure there's toilet paper in your stall!
Please ma'am, I'm not trying to pass you any paper under the wall that separates us! Where do you think we are? And I'm not fully clear on what those bathroom language signs are. . . I don't know what kind of kinky weirdo act passing you toilet paper might signify. . . I’m not into arranged marriages.

4. PLEASE wash your hands!
I don’t need or want what you had for brunch this afternoon to be on any door handle or other surface I may have to touch after you. It’s common courtesy and just plain nasty! And in light of this recent outbreak of Swine Flu... I’m wearing rubber gloves all day just because some people don’t wash their hands! LoL

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Shoe Affairs...

We at CocktailOur have taken the appraoch to choosing shoes, that most men take with chosing women. We categorize them...

I'll Spouse Em'...
The Steve Madden Tyla
Although it's not likely that the marriage will last past this season, we still have strong feelings for this shoe. For a little over $100, divorce is a risk that we're willing to take.
Side Piece...
It's cute & sexy. Nothing like our spouse. Thats probably why we like it so much. Just like with dating this style of shoe is very easy to find for cheap.
N.Y.L.A "Isabel"
BabyPhat "Marianela"
Nine West "Kentaro"
Type Z "Hennelly"

One-Night Stand...
We like them enough. They serve their purpose. It could possibly turn into a shoe affair in the future, but with all the other shoes out there it'll have to work for its spot.
We'll see how things go, but no promises.
Colin Stuart "D-Ring Multiple-Strap Sandal"

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

And Then There's One...

One day you take a road trip with friends, just to get away. No baggage, no ties, just boundless opportunity. Meet a few men to add to your list. You’re single, so you haven’t broken any rules. Dating is a sport, let’s say basketball, and trades are made all the time. One man gets replaced by the next. I call it the cycle of life. In the height of your dating extravaganza it hits you. Somehow no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to shake it. You’re no longer a free agent. Of course this means you have to decline all other offers and turn down attractive contracts. No matter, you’re happy. This should be a good season. The chemistry of your team is unparalleled. Stats up, playoffs in your grasp, yet somehow right in the second round you lose. Your season’s over. As you walk off the court with your heads held high and that fake sportsmanship smile, you can’t help but to wonder what went wrong. What could have been? Or maybe, just maybe how easier things would be if you would have kept your options open. Had a few dinners with interested coaches and snuck in a few practices with other teams. Perhaps this is why men keep women on the side.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

B. Scott is so Splendiferous

Monday evening Towson University hosted a question & answer session with the lovely B. Scott. I decided that I would like to make my life Splendiferous as the flyer suggested. B. Scott has provided us at CocktailOur with hours of hilarious moments. From the crazy Ethiopian Trollop and her banshee to comments from homeless men outside of 7-11 B. Scott has never failed to deliver.

Going in, late I might add, I did not know what to expect. Seeing as though the event was sponsored by the Gay & Lesbian Association at the school, I DID expect to be the only woman in a room full of gay man candy. However, this was not the case. The event was sprinkled with people from all walks of life. Most genders, sexes, races & sexual orientations were represented. It made me aware of how one very different person can touch so many people's lives.
The night was a typical question & answer, filled with very inspirational stories, suggestions & commentary from B. Scott. I even got to hear some of my most coveted B. Scottisms (comeonthengetthesegooddonedebbies) and did the Paw Paw. I must say that I am very glad that I attended and got the chance to meet such a charismatic and positive person. And he's so tall! We would undoubtedly make beautiful multi-racial babies. If you ever need a "baby momma" call me.

Exorcise Your Life

Why do people so strongly resist giving up that which we know is bad for us? The thing that is doing the most harm to our body, minds, and emotional well being is what we tend to fight the hardest to keep. Maybe it’s even our fight to keep it that is making it detrimental to us.

=Sitting around reflecting on my life I’ve come to the realization that all of the things that I’m sure are worth fighting for, I’ve never actually had to fight for. I know it sounds so cliche, but it’s definitely the truth. No matter what the vice, if it’s something that is good for you and benefitting your life it shouldn’t be difficult to maintain.

Now, I’m not necessarily talking about romantic relationships. Although, we all know that the cancerous relationships that are eating away at our sanity are the ones we find every excuse to nurse [sidebar: let it GO!]. I’m talking all of the things we encounter in life - our eating habits, deceitful friends, boring jobs, and painful shoes (lol we all have at least one pair!). It may not be the easiest thing you’ve ever done, but I guarantee you that it will be easier than holding on and dealing with the consequences! Why are we playing tug-o-war in our minds when we already know the answers. If I’m not happy I’m moving on! We need to make a pact with ourselves to try our hardest to be an asset to our own lives.

Every day we do the things we think will make someone else satisfied. And you know what? No one is ever going to be 100% satisfied with what you’re doing... it doesn’t mean they’ll love you any less for being yourself. And if being you and making yourself what you feel is a better you makes someone you care about try to make you feel like you are wrong for taking care of yourself, then you might want to evaluate your relationship with said person. Maybe they are just one more thing that you need to stop clinging to.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying quit your job and starve your children because you aren’t happy with your profession. BUT I am saying, make a PLAN and outline where you want your life to go and stick with it! Make a plan for your day, then your week, your month, year and 5 years. Set goals and reach for them! If you want to lose weight set an exercise regimen and a meal schedule, visit the YMCA, get a workout buddy! If you hate your lazy boyfriend, and your tired of washing his smelly socks that he throws around the house (whew, flashback!), then kick him and his nasty laundry to the curb! If your gold-digging girlfriend is sucking you dry (and not in the good way ::wink wink::) then refill that chick’s Russel Simmons Rush card one more time and tell her to get some luggage with it so she can get up off your wallet! LMAO! Tired of your job? Follow your dream, go back to school, and tell your boss to kick rocks!

All I’m saying is live healthy... but most importantly live the life that YOU want for yourself!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Something for the Fellas

The ladies of CocktailOur would like to recognize our faithful gentlemen readers. Men, we haven't forgotten about you, and thank you for hanging in there and giving us your point of view! We are definitely not into male bashing, we just call it like we see it, but we're definitely open to your side of the story! So with that said, this post is for you!
And there's more to come!
Have you ever been in the club and gone to bar but just wasn't sure what to order? Tired of the same "man drink" you order every Saturday night? Of course you are, but who wants to be trying to look cool while trying to get that pretty girl with the big booty's attention with a pink drink in their hand? Not you! So here are some testosterone-friendly drinks that won't make you look like a lame in the hot spot.
Jump on the Diddy Bandwagon and get yourself some CIROC!
Ciroc Obama:
2 oz Ciroc Vodka (any vodka really, but since the name is Ciroc Obama, go for it!)
1 oz Chambord (raspberry flavored liqueur, you can substitute with Dekuyper Pucker Raspberry if you're a baller on a budget)
You can choose to rim your highball glass with sugar (I don't recommend if you're trying to look manly, lol) before you start then fill the glass with ice. In a shaker also filled with ice, mix the Chambord and Vodka, shake and strain into glass. Add your lemonade and lemon garnish and ENJOY!
Ciroc Diddy:
1.5 oz. Ciroc Vodka
3 oz. Lemonade
This is simple just add ciroc and lemonade to a shaker filled with ice, shake and strain into a glass filled with ice. Add a lemon garnish and have fun!
Just PLEASE don't get caught doing the Diddy bounce ;)
Tanqueray Rangpur & Cran:
1.5 oz. Tanqueray Rangpur
3 oz Cranberry juice.
This one is easy. Just pour the Tanqueray into a rock glass filled with ice, add cranberry juice, stir and serve!
The next drink is in honor of 4/20! We do not condone illegal drug use... medicinal purposes only! LoL but there's no kush is this drink so if you're 21+ give it a try!
Rasta Spliff:
2 oz. spiced rum (recommend Captain Morgan's)
2 oz. orange juice
4 oz. pineapple juice
Pour ingredients over ice in a Collins glass.
Hope you men try one (or all) of these at your favorite after hours spot this week . . . CHEERS!


and other ways not to pick up women . . .

So this weekend the LADIES of CocktailOur (and friends) spent the weekend out on the scene. We were conducting a social experiment of sorts. We decided to spend time paying close attention to the ways that dudes try to pick up women (ourselves) and then we also flipped the script on them!

Gentlemen, you wouldn’t believe the lines men use, thinking they’re cool and smooth (unless you’re one of those dudes we ignore and beatbox and simply walk away from). Ladies, I don’t even have to tell you the extremes some men will go to. If you’ve ever worn a skirt to the club, then you already know! LoL

Let the storytelling fun begin:

Friday (Correspondent 1)
On Friday Night I was on a mission with the ladies of CocktailOur (and friend). The original plan was to spit as many corny lines to as many dudes as possible. It didn't really matter what they looked like either. Fine, tall and brown skinned to lazy eyed, stumpy and acne-fied I was gonna run game on them! The way they look never seems to stop them from doing it to me, so it's only fair! My conclusion is that men fall for anything. If a pretty girl with a nice smile (toot tooting my own horn) comes up to the average man (more of you are average than you think, I don't care what you say!) it doesn't matter what she's telling him, he's gonna react positively. I said some of the most ridiculous things I could think of.

'Friend' came up with this line that I used on a guy: "Can you carry me?" guy: "Carry you?" me: "yeah carry me, my feet are hurting from running through your mind all day!"... He found it funny. I walked up to another gentleman who was sporting a woman's name on his neck. I asked him if that was his girlfriend's name, he said no, so I asked him if I could be his next tattoo! He was all over it, and then giving me the side-eye every time I talked to another man. I was all over that bar. Oh! I can't forget to mention the dude who was trying to run game on me by the bar, whose girlfriend (I guess) promptly snatched him up after I walked away and dragged him around by the hand for the rest of the night. Shaking my head at these women who are SERIOUS about keeping an eye on their man in the club! But that's another post altogether. . . There was a group of white guys who were extremely drunk when we walked outside who INSISTED on taking a picture with us... using my camera. One of the cocktail girls asked "Do any of you boys have jungle fever??" One looks me dead in my face and says "Yeah baby! My fever is 105 degrees for you!!" LoL I'm not so sure which one of the 3 of us were running the corniest line game that time, but I don't think it was me! LoL

Anyway all in all I thoroughly enjoyed myself! I think the only downside to the whole experience is that I probably looked like someone with an overactive relations status (like a roller?). If I was serious about trying to get together with one of those men at a later date, he most likely wouldn't have taken me seriously.

Saturday (Correspondent 2)
I have affectionately dubbed Saturday a day of foolishness and frivolity. By suggestion of E. Hope Forlorn, the ladies and I headed to DC for a little fun. After practically running to the door to get out of the cold (probably shouldn't have worn those dresses and sleeveless tops) we paid our twenty dollar cover and commenced to party making (what can I say we're the life of the party). The club was crowded Chris Brown style. Men and women from wall to wall as far as the eye could see. Women grinding on bouncers in hopes of sneaking into VIP, Hindu men approaching with the stiff arm and yes I mean stiff. So stiff you can't actually answer any of his questions for fear you won't be able to answer and hold your breath simultaneously. I'd like to say after a few drinks things got a little better, but I'd be lying. Still, we're here and we paid so we were determined to make the best of it. After dodging a few stanky legs, we head downstairs to evaluate the scenery. Men, check. Bar, check. Let's party. I tap the bartender, "I'd like a . . . thanks". $15 for a tiny drink, I was outraged, but I digress. Five seconds later a dark chocolate, well built African man approaches me. Nice smile, no strong odor, the gentlemen moves closer. He stands there for a second then turns to me and says " Hey Bay-bee . . . can I be a part of your stim-u-lus package"? So I look at him with the mean side eye and he replies " I mean you know the government, because of the recession, is giving out stim-u-lus funds to help the economy" and I reply " I'm well aware of the stimulus package. . I'm not so sure why you thought that would work". Men I tell you! Why sir? I'd like to believe you think before you speak but I find it hard to come to terms with. I politely smiled and walked away. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. A couple of mentions of sexiness (perhaps it's just me, but I'm not a fan) and it was time to go. Outside is where things really get interesting. On the ride home we're sitting at a red light on New York Ave when a car pulls next to us playing music to full capacity. I don't pay attention to cars, so I can't tell you what kind of car it was though I can tell you there were two males inside. The guy asks us to roll the window down, down it goes. Then they start to serenade us " La, la, blah, blah" the driver sings in his best inebriated rendition of the artist, followed by "blah, blah, blah, give me that PUSSY". Whoa!! My jaw hit the ground at the exact time my finger set out to roll the window up! Noticing that we didn't find it attractive he quickly says, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was too much. I took it too far. I got caught in the moment". I must admit his reaction was quite funny. Still when he tried to talk to me, I kindly declined. There's only one way to describe the men we encountered that night.. . a mess. I forgot to mention we used that stimulus line on a few men that night. Not only did I feel ridiculous but I couldn't believe men were actually buying it. I'm sure they cared less about the words and more about the possibility of a sexual encounter. For the record there was no possibility, but men think in these terms so I wanted to make this post relatable. In summary, this night encouraged me to write a public service announcement. . . like to hear it (read it). . . here it goes:

I move for a thousand year moratorium on pick up lines and commonly used slanguage. From now on I challenge everyone to speak with fervor, passion and authenticity. Elegance and sophistication are not just words found on flyers advertising the latest: party, clothing line, or popular alcoholic beverage. They mean something!! Especially to me. There's nothing more charming than a man who carries himself well. I'm certain men share this sentiment as it relates to women. So to answer your question dear sir, NO you cannot be a part of my stimulus package.

No reason for us to have all the fun. Here are some one-liners for you to try on that unsuspecting party-goer:

"Excuse me, can I borrow your cell phone? I don't have any minutes and I want to call my lawyer and tell him to draw up my pre-nup. I think I've met my future husband."

"Hi...These are real."

"Hello. I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Milk, and I'll do your body good."

"If your wages aren't being garnished for child support, maybe you can take me out to dinner tomorrow?"

And just to display our diversity.
To Jose"¿Tiene usted una venda? Acabo de raspar la rodilla que cae para usted."

To Jacques"A-t-il blessé quand u a tombé de Ciel ?"

Try our one-liners tonight when you hit the clubhouse. Let us know how it worked out for you!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Ask Dr. Shrim Pegg/Phoo Young: Double Jeopardy?

Some time ago, we received a question from one of our readers. As you know, we are a bit of procrastinators, but we do appreciate every comment and email that we receive. We make every attempt to respond, just not always within a timely manner. Forgive us. With that said...here it goes...

[Dear CocktailOur]
Why is it that when someone fucks up in a relationship (friendship, bf/gf, marriage, etc.) they don't get why things "aren't the way they used to be"? They realize you don't talk to them as much, or you don't tell them things like you used to. But they just don't get that it's THEIR fault things have changed?

Dr. Shrim Pegg:
Deciding to "try again" when things have gone awry in your relationship requires a commitment from both parties. Sure he/she betrayed your trust, but you decided to give this lying, cheating, low down dirty partner another chance. I applaud you. All of us fall short of perfection, therefore complications and shortcomings aren't uncommon and deserve to be handle with the kind hands of understanding. Of course you must keep in mind once you have agreed to forgive and forget, you my dear friend are no longer the victim. Translation. Really let it go. Stop chastising your partner for the mistake you agreed to overcome. Lay off on mentioning the indiscretion in frequent statements like " Tell that b%!$h to iron your clothes" or pay your rent, or cook your meals. Don't go through her phone or rummage through her belongings while she's in the shower. Stop talking to this person like they owe you something or are forever endebted to you because of their mistakes. Again, you are no longer the victim!! Become a woman of your word and actually forgive. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Still not half as crazy as continuing a relationship with someone you no longer trust and don't believe in. Both parties must understand the impact mistrust can have on a budding relationship. Still, if you decide to stay together this change should bring you two closer otherwise you're both wasting time.

Dr. Phoo Young:
I agree with the good doctor. However, I also think that its unfair for the person who screwed up the relationship to think that everything will go back to being the same. In essence, since you did agree to forgive this person, you shouldn't be holding on to what happened. But, in reality, that is not the way things work. If you're the person who did wrong, please understand that the healing takes time. It is your fault that the relationship has been compromised. Therefore, you should know that your trust has to be regained. Don't keep bitching about the forgiver not trusting your, or things being different. As the saying goes: you forgive, but you never forget. Not forgetting is the reason why you're getting randomly cussed out every now and then. Realize that you made the mistake. Deal with the backlash or move on; but know that things will never be exactly the same.

**Doctors Srim Pegg & Phoo Young are not certified doctors, but they listen to Dr. Dre.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Change 'Gon Come

In relationships does waiting around for the other person to change really make sense or are you both merely wasting time?

Sure there will be differences. Expectantly there will be sacrifices, but can you compromise traits which comprise your inner lining? Can an unaffectionate person become affectionate? Inexpressive-expressive, stern-limber, expectant-inexpectant, inquisitive-satiable? Can these core traits become malleable? Do any of us care enough to stretch?