Monday, April 20, 2009

“AYE AYE AYE LEMME GET YO NUMBA GURL!!

and other ways not to pick up women . . .


So this weekend the LADIES of CocktailOur (and friends) spent the weekend out on the scene. We were conducting a social experiment of sorts. We decided to spend time paying close attention to the ways that dudes try to pick up women (ourselves) and then we also flipped the script on them!

Gentlemen, you wouldn’t believe the lines men use, thinking they’re cool and smooth (unless you’re one of those dudes we ignore and beatbox and simply walk away from). Ladies, I don’t even have to tell you the extremes some men will go to. If you’ve ever worn a skirt to the club, then you already know! LoL

Let the storytelling fun begin:

Friday (Correspondent 1)
On Friday Night I was on a mission with the ladies of CocktailOur (and friend). The original plan was to spit as many corny lines to as many dudes as possible. It didn't really matter what they looked like either. Fine, tall and brown skinned to lazy eyed, stumpy and acne-fied I was gonna run game on them! The way they look never seems to stop them from doing it to me, so it's only fair! My conclusion is that men fall for anything. If a pretty girl with a nice smile (toot tooting my own horn) comes up to the average man (more of you are average than you think, I don't care what you say!) it doesn't matter what she's telling him, he's gonna react positively. I said some of the most ridiculous things I could think of.

'Friend' came up with this line that I used on a guy: "Can you carry me?" guy: "Carry you?" me: "yeah carry me, my feet are hurting from running through your mind all day!"... He found it funny. I walked up to another gentleman who was sporting a woman's name on his neck. I asked him if that was his girlfriend's name, he said no, so I asked him if I could be his next tattoo! He was all over it, and then giving me the side-eye every time I talked to another man. I was all over that bar. Oh! I can't forget to mention the dude who was trying to run game on me by the bar, whose girlfriend (I guess) promptly snatched him up after I walked away and dragged him around by the hand for the rest of the night. Shaking my head at these women who are SERIOUS about keeping an eye on their man in the club! But that's another post altogether. . . There was a group of white guys who were extremely drunk when we walked outside who INSISTED on taking a picture with us... using my camera. One of the cocktail girls asked "Do any of you boys have jungle fever??" One looks me dead in my face and says "Yeah baby! My fever is 105 degrees for you!!" LoL I'm not so sure which one of the 3 of us were running the corniest line game that time, but I don't think it was me! LoL

Anyway all in all I thoroughly enjoyed myself! I think the only downside to the whole experience is that I probably looked like someone with an overactive relations status (like a roller?). If I was serious about trying to get together with one of those men at a later date, he most likely wouldn't have taken me seriously.

Saturday (Correspondent 2)
I have affectionately dubbed Saturday a day of foolishness and frivolity. By suggestion of E. Hope Forlorn, the ladies and I headed to DC for a little fun. After practically running to the door to get out of the cold (probably shouldn't have worn those dresses and sleeveless tops) we paid our twenty dollar cover and commenced to party making (what can I say we're the life of the party). The club was crowded Chris Brown style. Men and women from wall to wall as far as the eye could see. Women grinding on bouncers in hopes of sneaking into VIP, Hindu men approaching with the stiff arm and yes I mean stiff. So stiff you can't actually answer any of his questions for fear you won't be able to answer and hold your breath simultaneously. I'd like to say after a few drinks things got a little better, but I'd be lying. Still, we're here and we paid so we were determined to make the best of it. After dodging a few stanky legs, we head downstairs to evaluate the scenery. Men, check. Bar, check. Let's party. I tap the bartender, "I'd like a . . . thanks". $15 for a tiny drink, I was outraged, but I digress. Five seconds later a dark chocolate, well built African man approaches me. Nice smile, no strong odor, the gentlemen moves closer. He stands there for a second then turns to me and says " Hey Bay-bee . . . can I be a part of your stim-u-lus package"? So I look at him with the mean side eye and he replies " I mean you know the government, because of the recession, is giving out stim-u-lus funds to help the economy" and I reply " I'm well aware of the stimulus package. . I'm not so sure why you thought that would work". Men I tell you! Why sir? I'd like to believe you think before you speak but I find it hard to come to terms with. I politely smiled and walked away. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. A couple of mentions of sexiness (perhaps it's just me, but I'm not a fan) and it was time to go. Outside is where things really get interesting. On the ride home we're sitting at a red light on New York Ave when a car pulls next to us playing music to full capacity. I don't pay attention to cars, so I can't tell you what kind of car it was though I can tell you there were two males inside. The guy asks us to roll the window down, down it goes. Then they start to serenade us " La, la, blah, blah" the driver sings in his best inebriated rendition of the artist, followed by "blah, blah, blah, give me that PUSSY". Whoa!! My jaw hit the ground at the exact time my finger set out to roll the window up! Noticing that we didn't find it attractive he quickly says, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was too much. I took it too far. I got caught in the moment". I must admit his reaction was quite funny. Still when he tried to talk to me, I kindly declined. There's only one way to describe the men we encountered that night.. . a mess. I forgot to mention we used that stimulus line on a few men that night. Not only did I feel ridiculous but I couldn't believe men were actually buying it. I'm sure they cared less about the words and more about the possibility of a sexual encounter. For the record there was no possibility, but men think in these terms so I wanted to make this post relatable. In summary, this night encouraged me to write a public service announcement. . . like to hear it (read it). . . here it goes:

I move for a thousand year moratorium on pick up lines and commonly used slanguage. From now on I challenge everyone to speak with fervor, passion and authenticity. Elegance and sophistication are not just words found on flyers advertising the latest: party, clothing line, or popular alcoholic beverage. They mean something!! Especially to me. There's nothing more charming than a man who carries himself well. I'm certain men share this sentiment as it relates to women. So to answer your question dear sir, NO you cannot be a part of my stimulus package.

No reason for us to have all the fun. Here are some one-liners for you to try on that unsuspecting party-goer:


"Excuse me, can I borrow your cell phone? I don't have any minutes and I want to call my lawyer and tell him to draw up my pre-nup. I think I've met my future husband."


"Hi...These are real."


"Hello. I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Milk, and I'll do your body good."


"If your wages aren't being garnished for child support, maybe you can take me out to dinner tomorrow?"


And just to display our diversity.
To Jose"¿Tiene usted una venda? Acabo de raspar la rodilla que cae para usted."

To Jacques"A-t-il blessé quand u a tombé de Ciel ?"

Try our one-liners tonight when you hit the clubhouse. Let us know how it worked out for you!

4 comments:

undressingHER said...

lol, did a dude really say that to you? I don't have lines, I usually just say hello and introduce myself. Maybe that's lame......but it's worked. I've noticed if a woman finds you attractive, she'll let go your lack of "creativity" when approaching her.

TheBlackMamba said...

A mess. No other way to describe it.

The Tenant said...

I usually pull out my nine when askin a girl for her number...works everytime!

Anonymous said...

To The Tenant:

You must be from Baltimore with those antics, lol...That's how we do it here.