Wednesday, December 23, 2009

What Boredom has Taught Me

1. Celebrity blogs don't have enough updates

2. Work is really a ploy to help "the man" keep an eye on you

3. Water is most delicious when there's nothing else to drink

4. Holiday cards make for great origami

5. My phone never rings when I actually want to chat

6. Nick and Mariah will never mesh

7. My aversion to cover letters forces me to only apply to jobs that don't require them

8. My under arm hair keeps me warmer than my sweater
(note to self: more is always more)

9. There's no better role model than Amber Rose $$$$$

10. Fake butts trump substance every time

Monday, December 14, 2009

Is It Her or Is It Me?

Waiting in line at Dunkin Donuts can yield some interesting things. Usually it's a drug user trying to hustle a donut or a Caucasian person sparing none of the extras on their fracamochiato, yet ordering an egg white sandwich. Today however, wasn't quite as amusing. A young girl stood behind me. She's roughly 5'5, brown skin, long (weave) hair. She's dressed in colorful scrubs, presumably on her way to work. Her perfume consumes my senses and her voice, her voice pierces my ears. "Okay do you want to be with her or me?" she says. At that moment I realise I am only privy to a portion of what must have been an extensive conversation. "Huh, your phone is breaking up. Did you say you don't want to be with her?" she desperately cries out. A couple sighs follow and I decide to get back to my own life.

Do you want to be with her or me? Why do we give men so much power? It's like saying: "Hey I know YOU cheated, YOU lied, YOU slept with someone else, but I think YOU should make the final decision!" Huh? Believe me, I know walking away is hard when feelings are invested. Being cheated on is even harder. It plays with your psyche and preys on your ego. You catapult into this introspective state where you inadvertently blame yourself for his discretion. We compare ourselves to other women and struggle to understand his logic. In the end, although we're upset, we try to solutionize the bullshit. Solutionize, the act of developing a solution to an unsolvable problem. Think about it. You can't change what happened and you certainly can't change another person. We all know that. So what do we do? We accept, we accommodate, we "work on" ourselves. "Tell me why you did it? What aren't you getting?" C'mon! We forget all about the things we aren't getting. Like respect! Respect me enough to let me make a choice! Ladies let's all practice saying that in the mirror 5 times a day.

The story looks a little different when you don't have all the information. If your man is cheating, chances are you're the only one who doesn't know. Therefore at that moment all of your decisions are based on the "commitment" you two made. No harm there. But once you know, once you snoop through his things and find out. . . You have to make a decision. The rules have changed! Respect yourself enough to make a choice. Don't let him do it for you. Think long and hard about what you want from a relationship. What are your expectations? Was cheating in the plans? Is it acceptable? Can it be overlooked? Do you get a free pass? I mean hell, if he can why not you? Spare me the "two wrongs don't make a right" garbage. Neither does one wrong, but no one ever brings that up.

Make some decisions for you. No matter what they are. Take him back if you like. I'm not here to judge, but make sure you're doing it because you really want to. Don't do it because you're afraid of being lonely or you're insecure or you have the misconstrued idea that all men behave this way. Not at all. That's a conscious decision. It's not an illness, not biological. It's something we all possess. Selfishness! Pure selfishness, not the filtered kind. We all have it. I say this to my gentlemen callers all the time, "Everything you do, I could do with less effort!" Think about it ladies. For every one woman a man pursues, at least 3 men pursue you. That means if your boyfriend picks up 3 girls a day, you could have 15 gentlemen callers. It's simple math. (Now I won't give the illusion that you'll like all of them, but quiet as it's kept men don't like all the women they pick up. They all just serve a purpose).

Don't sell yourself short. Listen to your instincts. They're annoying mainly when your wants don't match your needs but, they won't steer you wrong. I wish I could have reached out to that young lady and said something more than "You have a gray string in your (weave) hair.", but unfortunately I didn't. Besides, she probably wouldn't have taken to kindly to my ease dropping or judgement.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Stop Fooling Yourself

Recently, I've been hearing a very familiar question from a lot of guys. Guys of all shapes, sizes & nationalities seem to be plagued with the same staggering issue. "Why don't women like good guys?". Usually I just lie and make up excuses about why this may be. But no more!!! I have turned over my lying ways and I will share with you, my friends, the truth!

You ready?

Brace yourself...

Maybe you aren't as good of a guy as you think.

Thats it. No elaborate explanation, no good man ego feeding and no "you'll appreciate it more when you find a good woman" bullcrap. I used to ask the same question about men. It plagued me as to why men always say that they want a good woman, but never appreciated me when they got me...they dropped the ball. Then I realized that I was only an okay woman. I nagged, I was mean and uber non-affectionate. I was a man in a skirt. A transexual.

I digress. I think we should all use our brains when it comes to this situation. Do you honestly believe that a man or woman who proclaims to be, and is, such a good catch will stay on the market long? Heck no! All of the good men I know are taken. So maybe you should look at yourself and evaluate your goodness honestly and objectively. You may not be as tasty as you think.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Give Me My 40 Acres!

I'm thinking about drafting up a pre-sexual agreement for future use. Why should the married gals get all of the money when us single ladies put up with just as much crap? I want my $150 too!

Picture this...dark house...nothing but a movie on...a little tipsy...he's rubbin on my thigh...starts to kiss my neck...I kiss his...then move to his ear...there's tongue action...he's getting hott...I'm getting hott...I get on top...we're kissing...its getting good...buttons are loosening...skirts coming off...we're down to underwear people...he lays me on my back...kisses down my stomach...licking my thighs...his hands are so strong...he goes to pull the panties...then....pause. I pull out the paper.

*my sexy voice & bedroom eyes* "Do you think you could sign this pre-sexual agreement? Its just a little requirement that I have before intimacy. It's okay if you don't want to sign it. We don't have to have sex if you don't want to."

So?...considering the circumstances, how many fools will sign that paper? I can name several. Can you?

Edit: One of our faithful readers would like to know what said agreement would look like. Here is a draft.

By signing this agreement you herby attest that you have not lied about anything discussed between you and the issuer prior to the signing of this agreement. Should the issuer of this contract become aware of any lies, stated or implied, then she is eligible to receive a lump sum monetary compensation not to exceed $1500.

Furthermore you attest that you are not currently in a relationship with any other human being. If, after this sexual encounter, one of your bitches (girlfriend, wife or other) contact the issuer of this contract by any means staking claim of you as a significant other; you will be obligated to pay the issuer $200 for each month that the two parties were sexually involved.

In addition, if it is discovered that you have any unusual mental or sexual tendencies that were not disclosed prior to the signing of this agreement, you agree to pay the designated fee as stated in paragraph 2.

If you agree to the terms of this agreement, please sign where indicated line below.