Monday, December 14, 2009

Is It Her or Is It Me?

Waiting in line at Dunkin Donuts can yield some interesting things. Usually it's a drug user trying to hustle a donut or a Caucasian person sparing none of the extras on their fracamochiato, yet ordering an egg white sandwich. Today however, wasn't quite as amusing. A young girl stood behind me. She's roughly 5'5, brown skin, long (weave) hair. She's dressed in colorful scrubs, presumably on her way to work. Her perfume consumes my senses and her voice, her voice pierces my ears. "Okay do you want to be with her or me?" she says. At that moment I realise I am only privy to a portion of what must have been an extensive conversation. "Huh, your phone is breaking up. Did you say you don't want to be with her?" she desperately cries out. A couple sighs follow and I decide to get back to my own life.

Do you want to be with her or me? Why do we give men so much power? It's like saying: "Hey I know YOU cheated, YOU lied, YOU slept with someone else, but I think YOU should make the final decision!" Huh? Believe me, I know walking away is hard when feelings are invested. Being cheated on is even harder. It plays with your psyche and preys on your ego. You catapult into this introspective state where you inadvertently blame yourself for his discretion. We compare ourselves to other women and struggle to understand his logic. In the end, although we're upset, we try to solutionize the bullshit. Solutionize, the act of developing a solution to an unsolvable problem. Think about it. You can't change what happened and you certainly can't change another person. We all know that. So what do we do? We accept, we accommodate, we "work on" ourselves. "Tell me why you did it? What aren't you getting?" C'mon! We forget all about the things we aren't getting. Like respect! Respect me enough to let me make a choice! Ladies let's all practice saying that in the mirror 5 times a day.

The story looks a little different when you don't have all the information. If your man is cheating, chances are you're the only one who doesn't know. Therefore at that moment all of your decisions are based on the "commitment" you two made. No harm there. But once you know, once you snoop through his things and find out. . . You have to make a decision. The rules have changed! Respect yourself enough to make a choice. Don't let him do it for you. Think long and hard about what you want from a relationship. What are your expectations? Was cheating in the plans? Is it acceptable? Can it be overlooked? Do you get a free pass? I mean hell, if he can why not you? Spare me the "two wrongs don't make a right" garbage. Neither does one wrong, but no one ever brings that up.

Make some decisions for you. No matter what they are. Take him back if you like. I'm not here to judge, but make sure you're doing it because you really want to. Don't do it because you're afraid of being lonely or you're insecure or you have the misconstrued idea that all men behave this way. Not at all. That's a conscious decision. It's not an illness, not biological. It's something we all possess. Selfishness! Pure selfishness, not the filtered kind. We all have it. I say this to my gentlemen callers all the time, "Everything you do, I could do with less effort!" Think about it ladies. For every one woman a man pursues, at least 3 men pursue you. That means if your boyfriend picks up 3 girls a day, you could have 15 gentlemen callers. It's simple math. (Now I won't give the illusion that you'll like all of them, but quiet as it's kept men don't like all the women they pick up. They all just serve a purpose).

Don't sell yourself short. Listen to your instincts. They're annoying mainly when your wants don't match your needs but, they won't steer you wrong. I wish I could have reached out to that young lady and said something more than "You have a gray string in your (weave) hair.", but unfortunately I didn't. Besides, she probably wouldn't have taken to kindly to my ease dropping or judgement.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Good post! Welcome back from the dead!