Friday, February 19, 2010

...And Other Dumb Shit That You Should Keep To Yourself

Initially, we were going to make a video blog about this, but since we're procrastinators the idea never came into fruition. I still feel that it's an important topic to discuss, so I'm going to take a stab at it. This blog may be please accept my apology in advance.


A few weeks ago, on a Friday night, everyone in the Maryland vicinity was preparing for the blizzard of Oh'Ten. We bombarded the markets, video stores and entertainment centers in preparation of being stuck indoors for a prolonged period of time. Most people, if they were smart, chose to position themselves with people whom they could stomach throughout the blizzard. My son, who is 11, was one of those people. He decided that I wasn't a person whom he wanted to be stuck with for such a period of time. He and his cousins made the conscience decision that they'd much rather be stuck together than separately. Food, video games & other kids...what more could a child need in a blizzard right? At age 11, I guess I felt the same way, so permission granted. His aunt came and whisked him away for a fun-filled snowed in week of x-box/play station bliss.

The Body...

Alone stands mommy :-( Although I looked forward to a week of DJ Hero asswhuppage upon a pre-teen, my plans were foiled and I was ready to go at it alone. After only four hours into "project snowed home alone" I received a text... "You coming to get snowed in with me :-) ?" Did I think long before responding? Nope... Who would stay snowed in with a cat when they could be stuck with a snuggly, warm body? Not I. So I packed a week of clothing and called up a relative to drive me to my destination. I was not about to shovel my car out at someone else's house then have to go home and shovel again.

You still with me?...

I get to my destination on Friday night only to find that more people would be stuck with me than originally anticipated. In addition to my "friend" and his roommate were two of their other friends (one of which I already knew). I was a little thrown aback, but I didn't dwell on it. Better to be stuck in a storm with four people than with a cat right? Off the jump we get to the fun. A few games of spades...a little drinking, nothing serious. Seemed like a good night. No arguments...lots of shit's what we do. The next two days...not much activity. My friend and I watched a lot of TV/movies and kind of just hung around in his space for the most part. I got thrown into 3 feet of snow (glad you all found it funny) and things were good. Then comes Monday. By Monday, we were all about to go crazy from being in the house for such a long time. After three days of confinement we finally got out and begin to shovel the go anywhere! To the corner didn't matter, we just needed to get out. The roads were still horrendous and there was no way that we were making it too far, but we did manage to make it to Friday's. Fine with me.

::Enters Drama::...

Alcohol mixed with an idiot, prolonged exposure and insecurity is a recipe for disaster. I'm still not completely sure about what happened but somehow my "friend's" friend decided he had enough of me and that "things would be better" if I weren't there. So he proceeded to tell me that I should be somewhere with my "fucking son" instead of with someone who I happen to be dating. I was a little thrown aback by his comments, as were everyone else, but I snapped back quickly and gave him my opinion on how his stupid ass should mind his own business. Initially I was really irritated that someone who has proven to me over the entire weekend that he is a complete idiot, could be so vocal about what he thought I should be doing as a parent Eventually, I got over that and moved on from it. A few words were exchanged and my mens & them were put on alert. However, I went back to normal life snowed away because I didn't want to bring drama to my friend's home. Once it was safe for me to make it to my own home, I did so and didn't revisit the situation again. Very adult like, no?

The Re-Visit...

Initially I wasn't going to blog about this topic. I told my friends, all of whom think that we should find him and cause some bodily harm, but other than that I attributed the situation to someone who didn't like me, attempting to strike a blow in any way he could. How he felt about me was one of his many problems, and wasn't my issue. Que Sara Sara, right? Then, not even a week later a girlfriend of mine, who knew nothing of the experience I just explained, made almost identical comments about a woman that one of our male friends is dating. It really hit me. She obviously knew nothing about this woman, but felt compelled to comment on the fact that this woman should be "with her kid rather than spending the night with a man." I totally don't blame my friend for making those comments about this woman. It is human nature to state your opinion on things. We all sometimes unknowingly make unwarranted assumptions about the lives of others. I get it.

But sadly, just like in my situation, she knew nothing about this woman. She didn't know if this woman had shared custody with the other parent, she didn't know if this child goes away on the weekends, she really didn't know anything about the situation or where the child was. [Edit: The difference between my friend and this guy was that she shared her opinions on this girl confidentially amongst friends. Thats the natural, human thing to do. However, the idiot in my situation decided that it was okay that he bombard me with his silly opinions about my life.]

I dont understand why people who don't have children, are the first to comment on what others should be doing with theirs. Why is it that single, childless people think that single parents don't deserve the opportunity to find love too? Do you people expect us to wait until our children are 18 to begin dating again?

It's very funny because I have a serious problem with bringing men around my child and to my house. It's something that I just don't do. I bet these same people would have a heart attack if they thought I had a man in my house with my child around. So what is a parent to do? Spend time out occasionally, or let every Tom Dick & Harry come over? As long as you're home with your kid they could care less right? Wrong! If you have so much to say about what parents should be doing instead of spending time with a man/woman, please offer some valid suggestions. While you're thinking of suggestions let me offer you this information.

I am a parent. Considering that you have no children, its safe to say that I've been a parent way longer than you. If I am somewhere for a month...don't question me. You don't know my situation. Even if you assume that my child isn't with his other parent please be assured that wherever he is, its somewhere safe with people who love him. I am responsible enough to know if I can leave my kids for 2 or 20 days. You better believe that when he's not with me, he's in safe responsible hands. In the end its my decision. My child is well adjusted, bright and happy...and well aware of the love that his mother has for him. As long as these characteristics remain, please know that I am doing my job. If you have an opinion on how I, or any other parent you know, should raise our children. Do us a favor and have your own kids then apply those opinions to your situation.

Whether or not children are involved, maybe we should stop and think before we comment on the lives and decisions of others. Chances are, we don't know what the hell we're talking about and our opinions are probably not requested or appreciated.

For lent, try giving up minding other's people business and focus on your own. Your life is probably in shambles right now. Get it together grouch.

(P.S...if you feel offended, I apologize, but I had to get it off of my chest. Nothing at all personal towards you.)

Friday, February 12, 2010

My Vagina is a Black Panther

I'm sure you guys have been exposed to Mayergate. If you haven't read this then come back to continue this post. For those of you who have read the article I am wondering your opinions on this. Usually when someone makes some seemingly racist or offensive comments there is a general consensus that the comments were racist or offensive. The strange thing about Mayergate is that everyone I've encountered has had a different opinion on whether his comments should've offended. He said some awfully strange things in that article. Far before he made the "offensive" comments. Why do we overlook the rest of the nonsense that he's said but zone in on the "black centered" comments? Even more perplexing is the fact that the people who, in his eyes, enjoy living their lives to the fullest are the ones who do the most complaining and nit-picking. Us! The mighty African-Americans.

My opinion? I live in the Family Guy age. It's my firm belief that people have the right to feel and express themselves in any way that they please. With that being vagina is a Black Panther. No matter how beautiful a white man is, I will never let one touch me in a sexual way. I'm totally with JM. What I don't understand is why preference is always equated with racism or hate. Because a man says that he refuses to have sex with a black woman he's automatically labeled as a racist. I don't get it. I know so many men who won't sleep with over-weight women. Does that make them fatist? How about people who won't sleep with the elderly? Are we oldist? This is all too confusing. Will there ever be a time when we can say what we feel or live our lives in a way (legally of course) that pleases us without being stoned for things that may be deemed politically incorrect?

I'm starting to wonder if I'm desensitized or if the rest of the world is underexposed. I'm all about political incorrectness. I support it and promote it. I have a theory about why Family Guy is so successful. Its because they push the envelope. They do and say what they want. If you're offended by it then you're the one with the problem because they obviously don't care. The success of this show is a direct reflection that Americans want the same freedom. We love what we crave. We clearly crave the ability to be us. Why is this so difficult?

Sidenote: I can't believe that you guys are surprised that this guy made these comments. Look at the things he's done. Look at the photo! Lol...He's obviously not one for boundaries.

Friday, February 5, 2010

The Power of Peni (According to some dummy...that's Plural for Penis)

Have you ever done some dumb crap that you know you had no business doing but couldn't figure out why? CocktailOur has discovered that most of the dumb things done, by women, can be attributed to one thing, and one thing only...THE PEEN! If you've done anything on this list, don't be ashamed. It's not your fault. Apparently you can't escape the Power of Peni.

New Peen will make you...

...Settle. As long as you can have the peen, who needs a relationship?
...Drunk text. Well actually liquor makes you drunk text...but you're still texting peen!
...Date a deadbeat dad
...Cook...and you know I don't cook
...Feel like a woman. Have you dressing up for no reason like a dummy.
...Clean your house (just in case the peen pays a surprise visit)
...Stock up your refrigerator with real food...fruits, vegetables & meats (you know...just to make you look good)
...Prove that you can handle the peen. It got you going to Strip Aerobics classes & stuff.
...Make you wear matching panties...make you wax more...hell, peen will keep you on your toes!
...Make you watch Sports Center...running down stats and ish.
...Buy beer

*Note, the following only applies to GOOD peen

...Put your friends, plans and work on the back burner.
...Do some shit you know you can't do (chandelier swinging...balling into a pretzel...licking your own butt)
...Send naked photos of yourself to his cell phone
...Bump random chicks in the club and stalk them on Facebook because you saw them say hi on his wall.
...Pretend you like his mother when you know you hate that hoe...good peen makes you bite your tongue. (Figuratively & Literally)

What are we missing ladies? What has good peen made you do?

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Ustream-ing and I'm Thinking of You

"If you're not with your significant other 5 days out of 7, you're sharing that individual with someone". I heard this today on ustream. The idea here is that we are all sharing our partner; most times without our knowledge. It is said that during the introductory period illusions replace truth. In keeping with this, small lies may be told. Especially when faced with big ticket questions like: are you seeing anyone else or are you ready for a relationship? The ustream host suggested most men lie about their dealings with other women. I suppose "I like you and you're the only one" sounds a lot better than "Oh seeing anyone else? Well (pause) you're about the fourth woman I took out this week." So, we (men and women) lie to acquire what we desire. *

From the male host's perspective, it is safe to believe the person you're interested in has other options. It is also wise to believe he’s putting those options to good use. Unfortunately, partly because we can't handle brutal honesty, men omit.** Since a plus one is really only attractive when responding to an invitation, most women will move along. True! Well sort of true. It honestly depends on what a woman is looking for and where she is in her life.

All this UStream-ing made me wonder. . .do women really want the truth? Sure we say we do. "If he's seeing someone else, I need to know." Then when we find out (catch a man cheating) we either: suppress or accept its presence.

So ladies if you met a man you were interested in. Went on a few dates, thought you two had something special and were anxious about the possibilities; would you stay around to be number 4?

Suppose one day over dinner you have the expectation talk. You know the one when he asks what you're looking for in a man and you run down your checklist. He listens intently, just the way a man should. Pauses for a second and replies:

"I am not the kind of dude you want right now. I'm dating other women and if you decide to kick it with me, you’re entering a contract. The contract outlines my unwillingness to settle down. Understand you're not the only one. Someday when the smoke clears and the dust settles I’ll be ready. I'll be everything you're looking for and more! But right now I like you, but not just you"

Tell me, would you still date this man? Men, would you ever be that honest? Is it more important to hear what you want or what you need? I know a lot of women who would hear what this man is saying without truly listening. Some sort of way we’d morph this into a challenge. Only to be disappointed when we find out we couldn’t change his mind. I’m curious. In the end, how important is complete honesty?

* Women generally don’t lie about how many men we’re seeing. We may however adjust our partner history to one that looks a bit more favorable.

** They also omit because, well they’re men.