Sunday, November 6, 2011

Blacks Only

I just read Ann Coulter's "Our blacks are so much better than their blacks" and "Our blacks are so much more impressive" comments and was actually disgusted.  Not because she's an idiot, but because she, and many others, honestly don't know that she's an idiot.  They actually believe her foolish ideas and adopt them.  She's an idiot with power.  Not many things are more dangerous than that.

The thing that inspired me to write this post, however, is what Pat Buchanan said in his book about Blacks in the segregation era.


“Back then, black and white lived apart, went to different schools and churches, played on different playgrounds, and went to different restaurants, bars, theaters, and soda fountains. But we shared a country and a culture. We were one nation. We were Americans.”

I don't know why, but this slid a thought into my head.  Would blacks be better off if we had remained segregated from whites?  I think about the quick decline of our race and wonder how much of it has to do with our adoption of the white culture's views and practices.  To some people I might be talking out of my ass, but that doesn't stop Ann Coulter or Pat Buchanan so hear me out.  I am not totally blaming whites for the decline of blacks, but let's face it...they can at least be charged with accessory.  

I think of the many other races that have, in some way, remained segregated from the rest of the races and I notice that they tend to be the most successful groups.  Native Americans and Jews.  I do understand that the difference between the Black race and those I mentioned is that they had the choice to segregate and we didn't.  They didn't have to fight for education and rights like we did, although we were here longer than them.  For that, we were at a disadvantage.  However, think of how much they've managed to keep by segregating; the things that ultimately make them so successful.  They live in their own communities, buy within those communities and pass down their history and heritage.  They have their own schools and educate their own children.  This allows them to teach the values and customs that their races have passed down for generations.  This ensures that their race will remember where they came from and not lose who they are.  Yes, I'm aware that we lost our African history when we were stolen and brought here, but that doesn't mean we can't teach the little that we know.  After slavery we still had enough family value, pride and respect to teach our children.  We still had enough knowledge of the struggle to be taught to as a reminder and not as an excuse.

I wonder what we would be like if we had remained segregated.  We would have our own schools, be forced to support one another, buy black and keep our race thriving; just like the Jews and the Native Americans.  The more we're integrated into white culture, the worse we get.  Yes, they still would've flooded our communities with crack, but I like to think that we would've been better equipped to fight the temptation because we would've been a stronger people by that point.  They would have no one to blame the decline of America on but themselves.  The true culprit of destruction would've been clear for all to see.  Sadly, it's probably too late to fix the problem.  The mindset of some of our people are too diseased and distorted to salvage.

I don't want anyone to think of this as a racist rant.  I just have no sense of political correctness.  Can't we be real and see things for what they truly are?  I'm all for people voicing their opinions.  I'm usually not offended by racism, sexism or any of the other isms.  Ism's aren't the things that should bother us.  Injustices should.  I respect people who openly declare their prejudices.  Why cower and hide it?  If you feel a certain way about something, say it loud! ::does James Brown shuffle::  I feel that people should be able to voice their opinions as long as it's in a civil manner.  In my opinion, I'd rather know that my co-worker is an outright racist, than to have to suspect it and not be sure of whether to steer clear of them or not.

Instead of wasting time #Occupying stupid areas of our cities that don't seem to bother anyone, try looking for real ways to improve our conditions.  Have a pow-wow with the Native Americans and the Jews to see how they are fairing.  I'm sure much better than the rest of us. 

Friday, November 4, 2011

The New & Improved Model


A lot has changed since the 1900's.  There was once a time when men and women had specific roles and duties.  The man was the provider and the woman the nurturer/homemaker.  This worked pretty well until the age of feminism.  Now I know that feminism brought a lot of hassle, but in the long-run it worked out well for everyone.  Oddly, feminism benefited men more than anyone.  Think about it.  Not only does she still have to birth, nurture and support those babies...but the bitch has to bring in money too!  Cha-Ching!!!  We got what we asked for right?  

What bothers me about this entire evolution of the female species is the fact that the men haven't changed a bit.  We've added many new feathers to our hats, but what workload has increased for men?  Not only in the past 100+ years has the man's load gotten lighter, but he still requires more from women than ever before!  I honestly and truthfully don't get it.  Everyday I see advice for women on how to keep her man, support her man, encourage her man, look good for her man...yadda yadda yadda.  Why?  We're cooking, cleaning, working and supporting and still aren't allowed to expect a thing from you until you're "mature" or "ready" enough to be a man.  Yesterday some broad even suggested that I should shut up and let my grown ass man watch South Park because he "works hard as fuck" and deserves it.  Bitch what do you think I do all day?  I work hard too.  What distinguishes his needs from mines because we surely split the bills.  Until he's paying the majority of our expenses you can miss me with that.  I think men need some stuff added to their repertoire.  Push some of these damn brats out or learn to bake cakes.  There has to be some kind of trade off. 


We're the new and improved model woman, but our counterpart still carries a club and wears an animal-skin toga.  Yall need to step up before we start fucking robots just to feel equal.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

If You Ain't On Sit Down


The other day my life partner and I...okay. I'm lying.  I don't have a life partner.  I'm not even gay, but I couldn't figure out a way to start this post.  What better way than to make myself seem like a bitter black lesbian?  That's what men will call me after they finish reading this anyway so why not?

Anyhow, I was talking to a friend the other day and the topic of inequality came up.  Who knew all those years that Dr. King was fighting for justice for the wrong group of people?  He should've been seeking justice for black women! Yeah I said it! Black women!

It seems to me, and apparently many other women, that we are held to a very unfair standard.  Black men are always telling us how we should have our own house...bad...and our own car...bad...two jobs, work hard & be bad broads...bad. (Yes, I did just use a Lil Webbie quote for the 2nd time...sue me.)  However, the same man giving us advice on how to be desirable is usually sharing a one-bedroom apartment and renting a car bi-weekly.  Despite the inequality, we'll still date this man.  Why?  Because he's nice and we're always willing to give a nice man with a good personality a chance.  I don't see a serious problem with this except for the fact that if the tables were turned, he wouldn't have the same mercy on us as we would him.

Here's an example.

Man & woman exchange pleasantries over the phone...names...ages...tastes in music.  Now the conversation starts to dig a littler deeper.  Let's watch.

Woman: So do you have any children?
Man: Yes, I have 3.
Woman: Awwww...how old are they?
Man: one, one & a half, and 3 months.

Now let's watch this same conversation with the roles reversed.

Man: So do you have any children?
Woman: Yes, I have 3.
::dialtone::
Woman:  Hello?  Hello?

At this point in the blog we're all laughing, but it really isn't funny.  Black women are plastered all over the media for being snobs.  They say we're unmarried  because of our religion, we expect too much from men, we're over-educated and over-qualified to be wives.  I say the real reason is because our men don't have to perform to the same standard that is expected of us.  They're loved and accepted with 3 children, no job and erectile dysfunction.  Yet, they still think they're too good to marry us!  How many women do you know that have it going on - great education, great career, attractive - but has a deadbeat boyfriend?  MANY!  Now how many men do you know in the same situation?  ::crickets::

Alls I'm saying is let's be fair here.  Give us our credit.  We love you unconditionally for the most part.  Please stop tearing us down all over every social network and media outlet known to man.  The next time you fix your lips to talk about how much your woman nags...which will be covered in the next blog...remember that 6th toe on your left foot that she clips for you without complaint.  Remember that we accept a lot from you, and that a few stretch marks or a crooked tooth here and there should be forgiven considering your own flaws.  Let's face it, you're no Hill Harper, but we give you the benefit of the doubt anyway.  Repay the favor.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Let Me Learn You Something

The joke that is my life has played yet another trick on me this year.  I won't go into details about the trick because, frankly, it'll just make me mad all over again and someone will probably get fucked up over it.  What I will say is that I've learned a few lessons this year.  Okay, perhaps they're not lessons.  They're more like observations.  Nevertheless they've only made my life more complicated. I'd like to share these obserlessons with you.  Please take heed and learn from my mistakes.  I know I'm talking to a brick wall, but at least there will be something new on this blog.  I think we can all agree that this well is dry.

Anyhow...here are some life-lessons from a loser.

-Everyone who has never done it will try to tell you how to do it.  Don't' be fooled!  If your friends are in really fucked up relationships, never had any lasting friendships or can't even keep a job; please don't ask them for advice.  You're only facilitating your own demise.  I know it makes too much sense, but if you need advice on something, get it from someone who actually has some experience with whatever it is you need advice on.  Would you ask a homeless man for career or real estate advice?

-Mind your own damn business.  I know it's hard.  You're driving down the street and you see a horrific accident.  You just have to look, then POW!...You run into the car in front of you.  The police come over to help, run your tags, realize they're suspended and now you're being carted off to jail...all because you didn't mind your own damn business.  This is not unlike life.  If your friends have issues, be a friend.  Listen to them vent, get them drunk, watch them cry; but stay the hell out of it.  A relationship is between two people...not 4...not 8.  Once other people are added to the midst of your issues everyone involved becomes a part of the issue.  If I'm apart of this group this means that all cars involved are getting vandalized...all asses whupped...and a whole lot of personal information is going to be divulged via social networks.  See how quickly a small issue between two people can get out of hand just that quickly?  Not to mention, you've dragged your friends into your mess only to eventually work it out with your partner.  Now what?  Now your friends and your partner hate one another and your life is more miserable than it was to begin with.

-You know who... needs to know who is who.  Sounds easy right?  Okay...it sounds complicated, but it's really easy.   I think that most of us can say that we know our parents are our parents, our lovers our lovers, and our friends our friends.  However, knowing who they are is ineffective if they don't know who they are.  Not only do you need to know who is who, but you need to let them know who they are too.  When a friend oversteps their boundaries with a lover or a parent, put your foot down the 1st time and let them know it won't be tolerated.  I guarantee you that you will only have to do this once and you will not lose your friend over it.  However, if you fail to do this, you'll have much bigger problems in the long-run.  Not only will you possibly lose your lover, but you'll lose your friend too.

-Men...be men.  I know you all like to say you're men; and we truly want to believe that.  But quite often you exhibit characteristics that contradict that.  Don't let anyone do something to you that they wouldn't let you do to them.  If they wouldn't let you disrespect a loved one of theirs, don't let them disrespect a loved one of yours.  Men stand up for the people they love, men protect those that need protecting, men don't let other people fight their battles, men don't try to fight the battles of others, and most importantly, men don't have to try to be men...they just are.  If you realize that you're being less than noble, acknowledge it and fix it.  Don't try to justify it or sweep it under the rug.  That's how things never get fixed.  Know your flaws and work on them.  Be you...don't try to fit in.  The most revered people are those who know who they are and try to be nothing other than that.

-Women...be women.  Grow up, stop being catty, mind your fucking business...and for goodness sake cook something.  We have a tendency to spend so much time worrying about other people's lives that we don't even realize how messed up our own lives are.  Or perhaps we spend so much time in the lives of others because we know just how jacked up ours is.  Either way, it's only a temporary fix.  Meddling in mine isn't going to fix yours.  At the end of the day you still have to go back to that cold cold home.  It's just like getting high...it's only a temporary distraction.  It will wear off.  Then you'll spend your life chasing the next meddle to distract you from your own issues.  Stop being a junky and get your shit together.

-If you're a real friend...call a nigga out!  When your friends are wrong let them know!  Nothing is worse than a group of enablers who are equal parts enabler and enablee.   Okay, I made up the word enablee...but you get the point.  The reason so many of us are damaged beyond repair is because nobody ever called us out when the damage was fixable.  If nobody ever tells you you're wrong, you never know what you need to fix.  It's like noticing a big nasty booger in my nose but not telling me it's there.  You just gonna let me walk around thinking I'm cute with that crap hanging from my nose? Now everyone is looking at me thinking "Smh...she ain't got no real friends."  What kind of friend are you??? Why the fuck can't you let me be great?

...I have more to share, but frankly I'm tired of typing.  So I'll end it with that.  If you have anything to add feel free to do so in the comment section.

Don't be reckless in my comment section either...I will embarrass you.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

I Guess I'll See You Next Lifetime...Or Next Friday.

I wonder if Erykah Badu knew how much I would grow to hate that term when she made the song "Next Lifetime".  That phrase, along with Drake's "Marvin's Room", makes my blood boil like none other.   Songs like those are true examples of the sad state of the human relationship.  When did we get to the point where we have lost all respect for our relationships, and the relationships of others?  If you're going to be a selfish bitch, own up to it.  Don't use terms like "I guess I'll see you next lifetime" to show your interest in something you know you shouldn't be showing interest in, while trying to denounce your own guilt at the same time.

If you're in a situation where next lifetime will be the only suitable time to see a person, then keep the shit to yourself.  Throwing out things like that only sets what you claim shouldn't happen into motion.  It only tells me that although you really want to be with me, you can't because you're in a relationship with someone else.  Well what is your reason for telling me then?  What satisfaction do you get out of it?  What does it do but make everything uncomfortable and complicated?  Grow the hell up and stop screwing up other people's lives.

Oh, and Drake.  If you're reading this, get your drunk ass off the pone and stop drunk dialing people.  Who are you to say someone can do better?  What the hell are you worried about it for? You didn't care when you were with her.  Have some damn respect.

Ex's are ex's for a reason.  Let us not forget why you didn't work out.  Why screw up a potential successful relationship to dabble in one has already been proven to not work?  You people must be idiots.

Here's some Drake for you...He threw a party..yeah he threw a party.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Certain Restrictions & Limitations Apply

I come across a fair share of hypocrites in my day to day, but none disturbs me more than the young conscience black.  You know them. They preach to you all day on Twitter and Facebook; telling you that they only want for their people to be free. The more and more you listen to them talk, the more you realize that their idea of freedom comes with certain restrictions and limitations.  Way to hide the fine print.  

It never seizes to amaze me that these same conscience people consider you to be free...if you adhere to their understandings and beliefs.  So yes...by all means be free black people; as long as you don't have relaxed hair, or wear perfume, or subscribe to any form of organized religion, or support major corporations, or dress too worldly, or listen to any genre of music other than neo-soul...and Goodness forbid...please don't waste your money on any form of entertainment other than independent films with subtitles and/or documentaries.

So yeah...be free.  I wonder if they realize that they are everything they reprimand me for being.  You tell me not to relax my hair because chemicals that close to my brain can't be healthy...yet you smoke weed every day.  You tell me that I spend too much money to conform to the white man's standard of beauty...yet "natural" hair products cost double the price of what I pay.  You tell me not to eat pork because it's bad for my body...yet, again, you smoke weed for breakfast, lunch & dinner.  You frown upon any form of religion.  GOD forbid we believe in anything; it's all about self-thinking right?  However, it's okay for you guys to worship "mother earth" and form your congregations centered around like-minded beliefs   

I don't get it. How can a group of people who claim to promote freedom for our people put so many unspoken restrictions on what we're free to do?  Why so judgmental? Why does my decision to wear my hair straight make me any less productive than you?  True revolutionist recognize that their decision to be who they want is precious and that every person should have the same freedom to decide; even if those decisions aren't in tune with their own.  I wonder how they're going to feel when they realize that they're going out of their way to be different but ending up looking just like every other "modern-day revolutionary" who's attempting to do the same.  It's going to sting a little bit.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Drink Specials: Letters From A Pig

Dear readers...because we're too lazy to write for ourselves we've decided to bring you some feature writers that are in tune with our drunken brand of randomness.

Please remember that the views expressed in the following entry are not necessarily the views of CocktailOur or any other sensible human being alive. With that said, enjoy this further proof that men are pigs.

Is Polygamy Really So Wrong?

Okay ladies, before you judge me by my title, hear me out. First off I should note that I am in a committed relationship. And while I’m not necessarily pro-polygamist, I’m also not anti-polygamist. I, like a lot of men I know, struggle with monogamous relationships. I love my girlfriend, I really do. And common logic says that if I truly love her, then I should have no struggle with monogamy and I shouldn’t “cheat” on my girlfriend.

Author’s note: When I say “cheat”, I am speaking of flirting and occasionally making passes at other woman. I have never once actually engaged in any sexual acts while in my relationship. I felt like this was important for me to point out.

I don’t believe that it’s that simple however. Let’s start with the facts.

Now, after the last time I almost ruined my relationship with one of my stupid “cheating” incidents I began to think, what the hell is wrong with me? I truly couldn’t figure this out. When my girlfriend asked me why I did it, I didn’t even have an intelligent response to give her. Let me be the first to tell you that she’s the bomb.com (Yes I do realize how corny that was). She constantly looks out for me. She cooks for me, cleans my room without me even asking, tolerates my borderline alcoholism, her hair always looks nice, she’s just as smart as she is beautiful (one class away from a M.S. degree), and most importantly, she truly loves me unconditionally. So I came across the idea that it can’t just be me. Of course I’m right because plenty of men cheat, even married men.

Now let us not forget that many people around the world, especially in Muslim and Hindu cultures practice polygamy. Ignoring that fact however, I wanted to dig deeper, so I began to wonder if there are any mammals that are monogamous. The answer I came across was, pretty much no mammals are monogamous. An editorial by Stefan Anitei quotes “Monogamy is so rare in the animal world that only 3-5% of the mammals are known to form lifelong pair bonds.” He goes on to name beavers, otters, jackals, foxes, bats, dwarf deer and antelopes as some of the exceptions. However, even among these lifelong pairs, they occasionally have a “fling” on the side. Now to give you some perspective, I Googled “How many mammals exist on Earth?” Now, while I’m not oblivious to the fact that anyone can write anything on Google, I think we can agree I can get a fairly accurate answer to this particular question. The answer I came up with is between 4,500 and 5,000 different species of mammals are on earth. Doing some quick math, 5% of 5,000 is 250 different species that may potentially have a form of a monogamous relationship, and that’s highballing it. Now while 250 certainly cannot be ignored, you have to admit this number is pretty small compared to the total number of mammals. This leads to the factual conclusion that the overwhelming trend of most male mammals on earth is to go forth and spread your seed.

Now we get to the fun part of this blog, the part with OPINIONS! I can’t think of anything that gets another person more riled up at me than an opinion that they completely, 180 degree, disagree with me. See, facts are facts. If you don’t like the fact that only 3 to 5% of mammals are monogamous, well that’s tough go play in traffic or get over it. Most people can cope with facts as long as they know it’s a fact. But if I walk in a room and call Tyler Perry a sambo, 90% of the room is ready to kick my ass. I bet 90% of the relatively smart, black, young women who read that last sentence wish they could reach through the computer and strangle me. Why? Because my opinion riled them up. Truth is, I really don’t like Tyler Perry and I’ll explain in another blog. Anyway, I don’t want you guys to want to kick my ass while reading the rest of this blog, so let’s take a break from the main subject and crack a smile as I list my top 3 favorite celebrity/public official opinions that got people riled up over the ages:

3 – “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” – Kanye West

2 – “Nappy-headed hoes” – Don Imus talking about the Rutgers women’s basketball team

1 – “…they are who we thought they were! And we let ‘em off the hook!” – Dennis Green after losing to the Chicago Bears

Now back to the opinions. I don’t think if a man cheats on his girlfriend/wife/significant other that it necessarily means that he doesn’t love her. Is it possible that men just have an inner beast that craves “new pussy?” My inner circle calls this the inner goblin. How about women? Why do women cheat? Women cheat because their current man made them feel insecure or insignificant, or because another man is rich and/or famous (the gold-digger), or maybe because they truly fell in love with another man. Men may or may not cheat for all of the same reasons. But an additional reason a man may cheat is simply the inner goblin, the want for new pussy and conquest. A man can sleep with a woman and have absolutely no emotional connections. I don’t think that’s possible for a woman. Even the woman who randomly sleeps with multiple men in the same night has logical reasons for doing so. It could be a prostitute, in which case she is doing it for money, or it could be the common whore, in which case she is usually looking for something such as attention or someone who cares.

Anyway, the point is that humans do share something in common with over 95% of other mammals, and that is the practice of polygamy. Now whether you are for or against it, you must admit the question of whether or not polygamy is so wrong is something that deserves greater thought.


-OINK