Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Drink Specials: Letters From A Pig

Dear readers...because we're too lazy to write for ourselves we've decided to bring you some feature writers that are in tune with our drunken brand of randomness.

Please remember that the views expressed in the following entry are not necessarily the views of CocktailOur or any other sensible human being alive. With that said, enjoy this further proof that men are pigs.

Is Polygamy Really So Wrong?

Okay ladies, before you judge me by my title, hear me out. First off I should note that I am in a committed relationship. And while I’m not necessarily pro-polygamist, I’m also not anti-polygamist. I, like a lot of men I know, struggle with monogamous relationships. I love my girlfriend, I really do. And common logic says that if I truly love her, then I should have no struggle with monogamy and I shouldn’t “cheat” on my girlfriend.

Author’s note: When I say “cheat”, I am speaking of flirting and occasionally making passes at other woman. I have never once actually engaged in any sexual acts while in my relationship. I felt like this was important for me to point out.

I don’t believe that it’s that simple however. Let’s start with the facts.

Now, after the last time I almost ruined my relationship with one of my stupid “cheating” incidents I began to think, what the hell is wrong with me? I truly couldn’t figure this out. When my girlfriend asked me why I did it, I didn’t even have an intelligent response to give her. Let me be the first to tell you that she’s the (Yes I do realize how corny that was). She constantly looks out for me. She cooks for me, cleans my room without me even asking, tolerates my borderline alcoholism, her hair always looks nice, she’s just as smart as she is beautiful (one class away from a M.S. degree), and most importantly, she truly loves me unconditionally. So I came across the idea that it can’t just be me. Of course I’m right because plenty of men cheat, even married men.

Now let us not forget that many people around the world, especially in Muslim and Hindu cultures practice polygamy. Ignoring that fact however, I wanted to dig deeper, so I began to wonder if there are any mammals that are monogamous. The answer I came across was, pretty much no mammals are monogamous. An editorial by Stefan Anitei quotes “Monogamy is so rare in the animal world that only 3-5% of the mammals are known to form lifelong pair bonds.” He goes on to name beavers, otters, jackals, foxes, bats, dwarf deer and antelopes as some of the exceptions. However, even among these lifelong pairs, they occasionally have a “fling” on the side. Now to give you some perspective, I Googled “How many mammals exist on Earth?” Now, while I’m not oblivious to the fact that anyone can write anything on Google, I think we can agree I can get a fairly accurate answer to this particular question. The answer I came up with is between 4,500 and 5,000 different species of mammals are on earth. Doing some quick math, 5% of 5,000 is 250 different species that may potentially have a form of a monogamous relationship, and that’s highballing it. Now while 250 certainly cannot be ignored, you have to admit this number is pretty small compared to the total number of mammals. This leads to the factual conclusion that the overwhelming trend of most male mammals on earth is to go forth and spread your seed.

Now we get to the fun part of this blog, the part with OPINIONS! I can’t think of anything that gets another person more riled up at me than an opinion that they completely, 180 degree, disagree with me. See, facts are facts. If you don’t like the fact that only 3 to 5% of mammals are monogamous, well that’s tough go play in traffic or get over it. Most people can cope with facts as long as they know it’s a fact. But if I walk in a room and call Tyler Perry a sambo, 90% of the room is ready to kick my ass. I bet 90% of the relatively smart, black, young women who read that last sentence wish they could reach through the computer and strangle me. Why? Because my opinion riled them up. Truth is, I really don’t like Tyler Perry and I’ll explain in another blog. Anyway, I don’t want you guys to want to kick my ass while reading the rest of this blog, so let’s take a break from the main subject and crack a smile as I list my top 3 favorite celebrity/public official opinions that got people riled up over the ages:

3 – “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” – Kanye West

2 – “Nappy-headed hoes” – Don Imus talking about the Rutgers women’s basketball team

1 – “…they are who we thought they were! And we let ‘em off the hook!” – Dennis Green after losing to the Chicago Bears

Now back to the opinions. I don’t think if a man cheats on his girlfriend/wife/significant other that it necessarily means that he doesn’t love her. Is it possible that men just have an inner beast that craves “new pussy?” My inner circle calls this the inner goblin. How about women? Why do women cheat? Women cheat because their current man made them feel insecure or insignificant, or because another man is rich and/or famous (the gold-digger), or maybe because they truly fell in love with another man. Men may or may not cheat for all of the same reasons. But an additional reason a man may cheat is simply the inner goblin, the want for new pussy and conquest. A man can sleep with a woman and have absolutely no emotional connections. I don’t think that’s possible for a woman. Even the woman who randomly sleeps with multiple men in the same night has logical reasons for doing so. It could be a prostitute, in which case she is doing it for money, or it could be the common whore, in which case she is usually looking for something such as attention or someone who cares.

Anyway, the point is that humans do share something in common with over 95% of other mammals, and that is the practice of polygamy. Now whether you are for or against it, you must admit the question of whether or not polygamy is so wrong is something that deserves greater thought.