Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Blue Eyed Soul

This summer I was graced with the opportunity to see Allen Stone live at the Virgin Mobile Free Fest.  Let me just say that blue eyed soul is back!  You know we don't hold out here at CocktailOur, so here it is...thank us later.

(P.S...if you have ADHD and don't think you can sit throughout the entire video, just scroll to the 4:00 mark)

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Can I Get This In A Size 7?

Women talk a lot. At the first sign of relational conflict we're usually airing our man's dirty laundry to our good girlfriends. Believe it or not, we're pretty selective about who we bestow this honor upon. I can almost guarantee the group includes at least: one highly respected friend, one chronically single friend, one hot head & one hoe. That's right I said it; one hoe. Your hoe friend is usually quick to remind you that there are more fish in the sea with bigger wallets and longer fins. Sometimes a girl needs to hear that sort of thing. Still, as much as we enjoy a good girl chat, there is nothing more coveted than the male opinion. The attraction is primarily based on the theory of penis relativity. Loosely translated, it's the idea that it takes one to know one. So when things get too complicated and our girlfriends aren't skilled in "maneese", we turn to our token male friend, a male based blog, or  Facebook posts from men we kind of know. After all, these men know everything. . .or do they? 

On any given day I read at least 30 status updates from men, but one seems to dominate the conversation. In the spirit of anonymity let's call him ” The Shoe King”. Although single, The Shoe King knows everything about relationships and he's not afraid to put you sad, single ladies on.  Here's a chapter from the book of Shoe:

"Ladies, if u give random fellatio and shut the hell up while the game is on you will age gracefully. Don't ruin ya face with plastic surgery."

"Friday nights are chill, Saturday night is when u get sex tape drunk."

"What makes you special, because a lot of shit I hear women claim as unique is ordinary. Having a job, going to school, riding dick good—that shit is as common as being blonde in Norway. It’s commendable that you’re doing things to better your life, but men expect that shit, it’s not game changing." (Cocktail note: most of the men who post these things don't have jobs, cars or degrees. That ish is as common as being a black man with a hypocritical opinion, but I digress.)

"A chick like Rihanna who may look average without the glam, is much more impressive because her personality and swagger is unique. She’s weird, she’s aggressive, she’s so fucking interesting that she tattoos the brain of every nigga she deals with and has them acting crazy." (Cocktail translation: Ladies be like Rihanna. Who is essentially a replica of Fefe Dobson. New translation: be like Rihanna Dobson.)

"Be yourself, everybody else is taken." (Cocktail confusion: Wth! You just told me to be like Rihanna.)

"In order to qualify as beautiful you have to be mixed. You regular black jawns don't stand a chance."


There you have it ladies. Simple steps to get a man, keep him & hate your black skin while doing it.

I hate men.  

We're Not So Different

It really bothers me to hear “men” say that they’ll cheat on their girlfriend but not their wife. It’s actually funny that a guy would think that he’ll mysteriously stop fucking around on a woman once she becomes his wife. NEWSFLASH stupid ass…it doesn't work that way! If she’s not good enough for you to be faithful to pre-marriage, she won’t be after you've spent $20,000 to say “I do”.

Let me let you in on a little secret. I’m really not supposed to be sharing this, and I could be at risk of losing my woman card. I trust you though…so here it is.  Women want to fuck other men when we’re in a relationship too!  There! I said it!  You’re not the only one with the urge to step out…but you’re the only one who attempts to justify it.  If we can find the willpower to stay faithful, then what makes you think you’re so different?  Don’t give me that shit about men being different.  You’re not different.  You have a penis and I have a vagina…but they both need stimulation. They both like it in different ways…with different people. Having a vagina doesn’t make you immune to sexual attraction and desires.

Why don’t you silly boys stop leaning on the idea that men can’t control their sexual urges and actually try controlling your sexual urges?

Just curious…how would you boys feel if your woman came to you and said that she wanted to fuck other men?  My how the tables would turn! Would you be just as understanding towards her when she says that she wants to cheat on you while you’re in a committed relationship so that she won’t cheat on you when you’re married?  Who am I kidding?  We all know that the relationship would be over before the conversation ended…because “men” are hypocrites. You want these women out here cooking, cleaning and playing house with you…but you want to cheat under the technicality that you aren't married. You cant have it both ways. If you were a real man, you would let women know in advance that you have no intentions on being faithful. Be up front and let them make the decision…because if you’re out there doing you then they should be doing 
the same.

Don’t dish it if you can’t take it. 

Friday, September 14, 2012

A Hungry Wolf Will Hunt

This morning I was thinking about a conversation I had with an ex-friend's girlfriend.  At the time my friend had a roommate.  They were having money issues and my friend was picking up the roommate's slack.  Among the plethora of problems the pair had, the very petty issue of toilet paper kept arising. My friend felt like he was pretty much broke, and on top of having to pay most of the bills he was stuck with the issue of buying toilet paper because the roommate refused to do so.  He did it, however, because his girlfriend spent a lot of time there and he had to make sure that she had tissue to wipe her snotty little ass.

One day I was talking to the girlfriend about relationship issues and she made the comment that she knew her boyfriend was broke and that she could have $1000 in her pocket compared to his $10 but would still demand that he buys toilet paper instead of just picking some up for him on her way over.  She went on to say something about him knowing his role and what his job is...which was to provide for her.  Throughout the entire conversation all I could think of was how much of a selfish bitch she was.  I couldn't imagine how a woman would be so petty as to purposely not help someone in need just for the sake of establishing roles.

Fast forward three years and I totally get it now.  I want to pretend that she hadn't said that and for the sake of this blog that she did the total opposite.  Instead of making her boyfriend spend his last $10 on toilet paper, she decided to just pick up a 12 roll on her way over...no big deal.  Then they move in together and she continues to be the one responsible for toilet paper. Then, let's say that her responsibilities expand to other bills and household items.  This becomes a pattern and over the course of a few years these things become her unspoken responsibility.  Eventually the two decide to split ways and in the process of her moving out she notices that everything he never did but should've, like buy toilet paper, he's now doing for himself.  She's furious because she feels like "Hey...you never bought those things when we were together...I could've used a break from buying the Charmin...".  The sad fact of the matter is...he never had to because you never made him.

The moral of the story...I think...is that letting a man be a man doesn't always apply to what he's doing for you.  It's not always about letting him fix things or carry something for you.  Sometimes you have to let a man do for himself too.  I know we women are nurturing and giving creatures, but we have to make a conscience effort, like my friend's girlfriend, not to always be so helpful.  There are times when helping hurts more than just letting a man go at it for himself.  It ultimately will benefit you in the long-run.

And you don't get off easy guys.  Just because she's willing to give her all to help you doesn't mean that you should let her.  I know it's easy to just take the help, but learn to be a man and just figure it out for yourself.  You'll feel so much better in the long-run. You'll feel like...a man.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Just Like In The Movies...

I've spent the greater part of my twenties attempting to understand male/female interaction. A few years back a dear friend of mine diagnosed me with what he adeptly titled, romantic comedy syndrome. His exact words were, “You know what your problem is? You want everything to be cinematic.” Loosely translated, I wanted weekly flower deliveries to my place of business and big moments heightened by the Best Man soundtrack. I wanted to be the one woman who changed a man’s life.

Why? Because that’s what I thought true love was all about. Every womanizer, player, and self proclaimed ultimate bachelor had all fallen victim to love in the movies. Take the player in Steve Harvey’s, Think like a Man for example. He was about as manacle and vagina driven as they come, but even he changed his tune once Megan Goode’s character worked her magic. I compared all of my relationships to this benchmark and I set my stakes high.

Having spent the past 5 years of my life interacting with men who were unmoved by my awesomeness, I was starting to believe such love didn’t exist . . . until I read the gospel that is Panama Jackson! 

Where's the motivation? Where's the inspiration? He keeps running into quality but nobody that blows his mind. So why should he trip over himself for a woman that's good but not special. In essence, he keeps coming across women that he’s okay losing. Sure his pride would take a hit, but that’s about it. There’s no sense of “loss” if he doesn't win her heart. And it makes sense. Until he meets “her.”

Who is she? She’s the woman in every romantic comedy who turns a man’s life upside down. We’re all familiar with her because our handsome protagonist is always willing to do whatever it takes to get her attention. He fumbles his speech. He trips walking down stairs. His cool is taken off because she heats him like a furnace. And she absolutely exists in real life. And that’s who all of us men are looking for. Truthfully, we all want to be in love too. Love seems great. But just like women, we’re looking to be captivated too. -Panama Jackson (www.verysmartbrothas.com)

In one article Panama Jackson had managed to slay my pride and open my eyes, simultaneously. Looking back, I possessed all the ingredients necessary to make a man crumble just like in the movies. I’m fun, full of life, accommodating, adventurous, set high standards for my suitors, and I’m sickeningly nurturing. But none and I do mean NONE of that ever seemed to matter. The more I tried to solidify my position as the game changer, I remained the gamed. Permanently marked as a place holder, trophy or toy.

Why is that? Why couldn’t my presence affect these men? I am absolutely quality, but my prey was always below average. Clowns as my male friend calls them, but that’s another article entirely. Don’t get me wrong, I cared for each of these men. They all had something that I craved, unavailability. And isn’t that the challenge every game changer is looking for? If we tried our charms on an available guy, a man who was able to commit and provide; we wouldn't be changing the game. Would we? And let’s face it, the only thing most women like move in ready is our homes. We prefer renovating our men. Sad but true. But just like in real estate the only thing you end up with is a money pit. An emotional and monetary liability that doesn’t become beneficial until you place it back on the market. Ever been through the renovation process? It can be one of the most stressful times of your life. The moment you start peeling back those layers, you find yourself wishing you would have never started. You slowly begin to realize you’re not changing the game, you’re settling.

Well what about “her”? You ask. In my experience the game changer is usually a bitch (see what I did there? I took the entire derogatory context out of the word, well kind of). She’s the unavailable, unaccommodating, I don’t need you, and you’re just another notch on my belt, alpha female. She’s the girl that you hear about and think I can’t believe he’s with her! But even that doesn’t last.

So what can women do to live the cinematic life? Hell if I know. Right now, I’m focusing on putting my renovated men back on the market. Real estate just isn’t for me.