Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Blue Eyed Soul

This summer I was graced with the opportunity to see Allen Stone live at the Virgin Mobile Free Fest.  Let me just say that blue eyed soul is back!  You know we don't hold out here at CocktailOur, so here it is...thank us later.

(P.S...if you have ADHD and don't think you can sit throughout the entire video, just scroll to the 4:00 mark)

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Can I Get This In A Size 7?


Women talk a lot. At the first sign of relational conflict we're usually airing our man's dirty laundry to our good girlfriends. Believe it or not, we're pretty selective about who we bestow this honor upon. I can almost guarantee the group includes at least: one highly respected friend, one chronically single friend, one hot head & one hoe. That's right I said it; one hoe. Your hoe friend is usually quick to remind you that there are more fish in the sea with bigger wallets and longer fins. Sometimes a girl needs to hear that sort of thing. Still, as much as we enjoy a good girl chat, there is nothing more coveted than the male opinion. The attraction is primarily based on the theory of penis relativity. Loosely translated, it's the idea that it takes one to know one. So when things get too complicated and our girlfriends aren't skilled in "maneese", we turn to our token male friend, a male based blog, or  Facebook posts from men we kind of know. After all, these men know everything. . .or do they? 

On any given day I read at least 30 status updates from men, but one seems to dominate the conversation. In the spirit of anonymity let's call him ” The Shoe King”. Although single, The Shoe King knows everything about relationships and he's not afraid to put you sad, single ladies on.  Here's a chapter from the book of Shoe:

"Ladies, if u give random fellatio and shut the hell up while the game is on you will age gracefully. Don't ruin ya face with plastic surgery."

"Friday nights are chill, Saturday night is when u get sex tape drunk."

"What makes you special, because a lot of shit I hear women claim as unique is ordinary. Having a job, going to school, riding dick good—that shit is as common as being blonde in Norway. It’s commendable that you’re doing things to better your life, but men expect that shit, it’s not game changing." (Cocktail note: most of the men who post these things don't have jobs, cars or degrees. That ish is as common as being a black man with a hypocritical opinion, but I digress.)

"A chick like Rihanna who may look average without the glam, is much more impressive because her personality and swagger is unique. She’s weird, she’s aggressive, she’s so fucking interesting that she tattoos the brain of every nigga she deals with and has them acting crazy." (Cocktail translation: Ladies be like Rihanna. Who is essentially a replica of Fefe Dobson. New translation: be like Rihanna Dobson.)

"Be yourself, everybody else is taken." (Cocktail confusion: Wth! You just told me to be like Rihanna.)

"In order to qualify as beautiful you have to be mixed. You regular black jawns don't stand a chance."

Fin.

There you have it ladies. Simple steps to get a man, keep him & hate your black skin while doing it.

I hate men.  

We're Not So Different

It really bothers me to hear “men” say that they’ll cheat on their girlfriend but not their wife. It’s actually funny that a guy would think that he’ll mysteriously stop fucking around on a woman once she becomes his wife. NEWSFLASH stupid ass…it doesn't work that way! If she’s not good enough for you to be faithful to pre-marriage, she won’t be after you've spent $20,000 to say “I do”.

Let me let you in on a little secret. I’m really not supposed to be sharing this, and I could be at risk of losing my woman card. I trust you though…so here it is.  Women want to fuck other men when we’re in a relationship too!  There! I said it!  You’re not the only one with the urge to step out…but you’re the only one who attempts to justify it.  If we can find the willpower to stay faithful, then what makes you think you’re so different?  Don’t give me that shit about men being different.  You’re not different.  You have a penis and I have a vagina…but they both need stimulation. They both like it in different ways…with different people. Having a vagina doesn’t make you immune to sexual attraction and desires.

Why don’t you silly boys stop leaning on the idea that men can’t control their sexual urges and actually try controlling your sexual urges?

Just curious…how would you boys feel if your woman came to you and said that she wanted to fuck other men?  My how the tables would turn! Would you be just as understanding towards her when she says that she wants to cheat on you while you’re in a committed relationship so that she won’t cheat on you when you’re married?  Who am I kidding?  We all know that the relationship would be over before the conversation ended…because “men” are hypocrites. You want these women out here cooking, cleaning and playing house with you…but you want to cheat under the technicality that you aren't married. You cant have it both ways. If you were a real man, you would let women know in advance that you have no intentions on being faithful. Be up front and let them make the decision…because if you’re out there doing you then they should be doing 
the same.

Don’t dish it if you can’t take it.