Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Can I Get This In A Size 7?


Women talk a lot. At the first sign of relational conflict we're usually airing our man's dirty laundry to our good girlfriends. Believe it or not, we're pretty selective about who we bestow this honor upon. I can almost guarantee the group includes at least: one highly respected friend, one chronically single friend, one hot head & one hoe. That's right I said it; one hoe. Your hoe friend is usually quick to remind you that there are more fish in the sea with bigger wallets and longer fins. Sometimes a girl needs to hear that sort of thing. Still, as much as we enjoy a good girl chat, there is nothing more coveted than the male opinion. The attraction is primarily based on the theory of penis relativity. Loosely translated, it's the idea that it takes one to know one. So when things get too complicated and our girlfriends aren't skilled in "maneese", we turn to our token male friend, a male based blog, or  Facebook posts from men we kind of know. After all, these men know everything. . .or do they? 

On any given day I read at least 30 status updates from men, but one seems to dominate the conversation. In the spirit of anonymity let's call him ” The Shoe King”. Although single, The Shoe King knows everything about relationships and he's not afraid to put you sad, single ladies on.  Here's a chapter from the book of Shoe:

"Ladies, if u give random fellatio and shut the hell up while the game is on you will age gracefully. Don't ruin ya face with plastic surgery."

"Friday nights are chill, Saturday night is when u get sex tape drunk."

"What makes you special, because a lot of shit I hear women claim as unique is ordinary. Having a job, going to school, riding dick good—that shit is as common as being blonde in Norway. It’s commendable that you’re doing things to better your life, but men expect that shit, it’s not game changing." (Cocktail note: most of the men who post these things don't have jobs, cars or degrees. That ish is as common as being a black man with a hypocritical opinion, but I digress.)

"A chick like Rihanna who may look average without the glam, is much more impressive because her personality and swagger is unique. She’s weird, she’s aggressive, she’s so fucking interesting that she tattoos the brain of every nigga she deals with and has them acting crazy." (Cocktail translation: Ladies be like Rihanna. Who is essentially a replica of Fefe Dobson. New translation: be like Rihanna Dobson.)

"Be yourself, everybody else is taken." (Cocktail confusion: Wth! You just told me to be like Rihanna.)

"In order to qualify as beautiful you have to be mixed. You regular black jawns don't stand a chance."

Fin.

There you have it ladies. Simple steps to get a man, keep him & hate your black skin while doing it.

I hate men.  

1 comment:

Shanice said...

Just reading this and it had me cracking up! Good post!